He is my break

Life isn't always sunshine and daisies, and this post is what our life is like right now. Sorry it's not a peachy post, but it's realistic of our life at the moment. A couple days ago, I really wasn't having the best of days. It seemed like everything that could go wrong, was. Everything from house hunting, a broken water heater for the 3rd time that leaves us with zero hot water, back aches, stomach aches, baby stuff, and just little things that aren't a big deal, but seem like a big deal at the time. I was especially angry at this whole infertility journey. Surprised? Its really an every day ordeal so It's not easy to constantly be positive about it when really truly it's so hard. One of the hardest things I personally have ever gone through. I had kind of hit another breaking point. Long story short, I was talking to Caleb and telling him that this week I'd be starting up another medication. Then the more I thought about this whole treatment plan, the more I was nervous It wasn't going to work. Caleb quit taking his meds because they made him hover over a barf bucket every. single. night. I don't blame him at all for quitting them. I haven't been taking the full dose of one of my meds either because I was living in the bathroom all day long and not working because it was so awful. Do you blame us? So the more I thought about it, I was scared that I would start up this new medication, get our positive ovulation test, go to the doctor for our IUI just to have them tell us they won't do it because we aren't taking exactly what the doctor ordered. After being nervous about it all morning I ended up calling my doctor and told them what was going on and asked if we could still go through with this months IUI, We've had something in the way every month since last November whether it was switching doctors, new meds, being out of town/funeral, so we were anxious to get this going. They called back and told us it was a no go because we weren't taking what he had prescribed. I started crying on the phone with them because I was just so mad. I understood why, but I was more mad at myself. Mad that we couldn't suck it up to go through with the IUI. I had a cloud of guilt hovering over my head. Now what? I asked them if there were alternatives to these medications that were prescribed to us so that we wouldn't be so sick. They said no. I had to make another appointment with the doctor to re route our treatments. If there is no alternative medications, then what? That moment that day I really deep down wondered if I would ever in my life have a biological baby. It scared me and made me think of adoption a little more. But that scared me more. I'm not ready to get to that point yet. I then started thinking about what the doctor said this last appointment. He told us if these IUI's don't work, our last chance would be to head to Utah and do IVF. That scares me. That's our last hope of having a child. Are we even meant to be parents? What are we doing so wrong to not have it happen to us? We can't just quit our jobs so we can both lay in bed and either puke or live in the bathroom day after day. How far do we push ourselves? When do we say enough is enough? Is this God's way of telling us there are children out there that need us as parents? I don't know. I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know what to do. I have prayed for guidance, and I still have NO idea what we are supposed to do. After getting off the phone, I told Caleb what had to happen and that our next appointment was in 3 weeks and that we had to pay another $100 to see them. Which means for us another 2 months of potential pregnancy out. That to me was depressing. Another two months and another $100 gone. Why!? haha I was just SO angry! In a way I feel as hard as IVF would be and as expensive as it would be, it would almost be easier and worth it because your chances go up by quite a bit with that. But it all comes back to the I have no idea what we are supposed to do so it's all up in the air. I basically had a pity party for myself that day. It was a day I didn't want to act like I was fine with this infertility. It was winning, and I was mad. I soaked in the tub to one of my bath bombs, listened to music, then went to get a milkshake. Those are my go to's for bad days. Baths, music, ice cream, Libbie, and Caleb make a bad/emotional day a little better.

The next day, I was at work. I was highlighting my clients hair when a guy delivers a bouquet of flowers. They were for me! I was so surprised. I never get flowers so I was curious who they were from. I opened the card and there was a sweet simple note from my mom. :) She made my whole day. That was so thoughtful of her. 

They stayed pretty by my station for the rest of the day and now they are on my table at my apt. I am so thankful for such a great mom!

Later at work, my boss asked me how the baby stuff was coming along. I deep down didn't want to talk about it so I told her that it was still just going. I briefly told her that things haven't been going as planned and I just can't seem to catch a break with anything right now. She said something to me that actually opened my eyes and made me realize she is very right. She told me, "I have seen you and your hubby together and I see how you guys adore each other. He is your break." She's right. If it weren't for Caleb, I would be drowning. He is my breath of fresh air, the one that stays positive and keeps me going, he IS my break. I look back and he is the one that makes life fun even during the hard moments. He's the one I want to go to, to talk to, to be with during the hard or good times. Even though life isn't exactly going as planned and that it's not all sunshine and daisies, I know I am still blessed, and I am still very grateful for what I do have. I know something will work out eventually, even if it's years and years down the road. I am trying to stay hopeful and as positive as I can. For now I will enjoy the moment's it's just me and Caleb. We will continue to do anything and everything we can that involves just us. 

Sunshine and walks with my pup,

Post bath time = one hyyyyper animal.

He is my break. 

Grandpa

Last Friday (3/6/15) we got word that my grandpa had passed away. It was very bittersweet. We knew that it was coming at any time but it still doesn't make it any easier knowing that they're gone. He had been suffering from Cancer (surprised? more cancer, I know. We have it super thick in my family.) and had gotten especially sick the last 6 months or so. Honestly, we thought he would have been gone a couple months ago, but he just kept trucking on.

It seems like when a loved one passes, you start remembering all of the good memories that involved that person. So after he had passed, it was like I all of a sudden remembered a whole bunch of memories. Here's a few...

I would get so excited knowing that we were going to go stay with them for a night or two. That meant cousin time, lots of hot tub time, and mini smokies.

First thing walking into their home we were greeted by my grandpa every time with a great big bear hug.

He was such a hoot. He was so witty and always had something quick and witty to say.

I remember quite a few breakfasts he would make. Egg n dog is what he called one of them. Basically hot dogs in scrambled eggs. Or toast and eggs.

Speaking of hot dogs, this man LOVED hot dogs. Hot, cold, roasted, you name it. It was his go to.

My grandparents had a hot tub and we always had to wait till grandpa got home so he could lift the huge heavy lid.

His home. Simply being there in his home watchin a show with everyone.

Lots of camping trips that he and grandma came to.

Him telling us his story of B.B.O.O bear. That was a story that stayed with my family and throughout my childhood.

Him and grandma coming to our house to stay.

His bus. He had bought a bus that was handicap accessible so that they could get my grandma in a vehicle. He once took us on a bus ride on this random bumpy dirt rode. It must have struck our funny bones because we were all laughing.

Riding in a car with him was terrifying to say the least hahaha we'll just leave it at that.

Visiting him in Boise while Caleb was at work meetings.

I have more but those are some that stick out in my mind. Really truly, most of my memories involve family and get togethers at his home where we all interacted with each other.

Yesterday (3/13/15) was his viewing in Boise where he had lived for the past 5 years I believe. Then today was his funeral down In Carey where he lived his whole life prior to moving to Boise. This morning me and Caleb got up super early as in 5 a.m. got ready, headed out to pick up my brother and sister, then headed to Idaho Falls to pick up my other brother and his wife and son.

beautiful early morning sunrise.

We got there right close to 10 a.m. Perfect time. The viewing was pretty standard. I couldn't believe how different my grandpa looked. SOO skinny, and just so different than just months before when I had seen him. After the viewing we headed into the chapel for the funeral. It couldn't have gone better. There was so much support and the talks were awesome. Listening to them made me want to be more like my grandpa. He never judged a soul and was the most selfless man I know. Laughter and tears filled the room. The spirit was strong in that chapel. There is such a bittersweet yet humbling feeling at funerals. After the funeral we headed over to the cemetery. It was a beautiful day.

Then afterwards went to the lunch back at the church. Thank goodness, we were all dizzy and feeling a bit sick since it had been so long since we had eaten where the funeral was scheduled later than normal and ran longer than normal. The food was great and it was nice to see all of the cousins together again. Probably the last time that had happened was at my grandmas funeral 5 years ago. Everyone has changed SO much and has gotten SO much older and has families of their own. It's crazy to think that none of us would be here if it weren't for my grandpa.

Even though we are sad that my grandpa is now gone, I can't help but smile that he is with his sweet wife again. I am sure the reunion was amazing.

I'm glad he is no longer in pain and suffering. I am also so grateful for the plan of salvation so that we can see him again and that families are forever. I love you grandpa and will surely miss you. RIP.

Boise trip

Every 6 ish months, Caleb and I head to Boise for his meetings for work. I would be lying if I said I was always SO excited to go mainly cause half the time I am by myself down there. But the parts I do enjoy are the moments I am with him, and to take a little break from life and work and to get out of the house.

Sunday we took our time to get on the road. There was no rush to get down there. So after gassing up, we dropped off Libbie at Caleb's parents house and we hit the road.

4 hrs later and we arrive to Boise, We checked into our hotel and really didn't have anything else planned for that night. So we decided to go to a place we had never eaten. We ended up at The Village and ate at a place called Yard house. It was PRICEY but tasted really good. Caleb tried raw Tuna which totally grossed me out but he liked it. They had the biggest bar inside a restaurant I have ever seen. Our meal was 80 bucks! Cringe. But, what the heck. Why not? After dinner, we walked around a bit. I LOVED the fountains they had and fireplaces all around. Way cool.

After walking around it was like 9:30. We really didn't have anything else to do so we headed back to the hotel. I love hotels with Caleb. They are just fun! We fell asleep and after a long night of not sleeping well (the pillows were awful and it simply wasn't my bed) it was finally morning.

Monday early morning, Caleb met up with his work partner or whatever you want to call him to head to a convention thing. After that, they headed to the Big Juds down there for a meeting. All while he was gone, I was just at the hotel by myself. So I took my time getting ready, watched tv, and then decided to go on a little drive to see the place. It wasn't a long drive mainly cause I hate traffic and trying to navigate by myself just got me annoyed so I came back to the hotel. haha I did find the mall though :) Caleb got back at around 4. We ate the food I brought there at the hotel and then met back up with the other couple that was staying at the same hotel. We drove to the Big Juds because Caleb and his partner Wes were filmed eating a burger for a commercial or small clip to be put on this website and they both got paid 50 bucks for it! haha it alllmost paid for our expensive dinner the night before. lol After that ordeal, we rode with Wes and his fiance' to an ice hockey game! All of the Big Juds crew was there. They had paid for us all to be in one of their suites. So we had our own room where you could order any drink or food you wanted and watch the game. It was seriously way fun. 

They film people during the break so our faces ended up on that screen once. haha and also there was a clip where they were filming this girl and she was dancing on the screen. She turned around and totally fell 2 bleachers down backwards all while the camera was on her. It was sad yet hilarious. 

Our team lost by one point in overtime. But it was a lot of fun to watch! After the game, Wes invited me and Caleb to play pool with his fiance and friend before we went back to the hotel. Us being naive said sure. So us 5 ended up at this bar....uhm....me and Caleb both were like...uh, this isn't what we expected but they were our ride. So we went in. Obviously we didn't drink. We don't do that. It was definitely a situation that was weird and slightly uncomfortable. We ended up chatting while 2 drank. It was kind of just a weird night. Made me miss home and also made me grateful for how we are. After that bar they wanted to go to another bar for their wings or something. Me and Caleb opted to be dropped off at the hotel before they went over which we were happy with. Me and Caleb know that in the "real world" if that's what you want to call it, that people drink and that this is what people do. But I am grateful that I don't have to deal with a drunk spouse every weekend. I don't even get why...It's funny to watch but the root of drinking is crazy to me. Anyways, once we got back to our hotel, we crashed. It was late and we were tired. 

Tuesday, we woke up and had to be checked out of our hotel at 11. We were late checking out by an hour..woops! After checking out, we had another hotel we were staying at that night but couldn't check in till 3. So we had a few hours to kill. So we headed back to The Village and actually scoped out the place. Before we had only gone to dinner and saw the place but this time we wanted to go through some of the shops. I noticed there was a Charming Charlie there and died! I was SO excited to go through it. I had heard of it but never been in one. So I browsed the whole store and ended up with a new purse, wallet, and watch. All which I LOVE. I now know where to get my purses from. They had some cute accessories in there!

The walled looks navy blue on the sides but it's actually black. And it matches the inside of my purse. After Charming Charlie I saw a Lush. Had never been in these stores before! Caleb is a trooper. haha. We kind of just browsed some of the stores in there and then decided to grab some lunch before checking into this 2nd hotel. We chose to grab some Chipotle. It was a place we had never tried and we both liked it! I thought it was good. Simple and tasty. After lunch, we went and found our hotel. It was a mess getting there. Traffic was thick and it was in the middle of down town Boise where all the one way streets were. We finally found it, finally got parked in their messed up parking garage, checked in, and got to our room. A little side note, Caleb's job and the people that bring us down here pay for everything. So they pick our hotel and pay for it and what not. So this hotel was supposedly a super nice one. Vallet parking, people wearing suits and white gloves, someone playing the grand piano in the huge lobby. kind of hotel. Nothing we have ever experienced. To be honest, the hotel kind of freaked me out. It reminded me of the tower of terror hotel at Disneyland. haha. Our room was the 12th floor up. I personally didn't see what was so fancy about it?? I don't know. This was our view.

Pictures never do it justice, but it was pretty cool! We hung out at the hotel for like an hour and a half. Then we left to meet up with some people at a Japanese steakhouse restaurant called, Kyoto's, It was way fun! They have your table seated around a grill and the chef comes out, does some tricks while he cooks your food right in front of you. There was fire, cool spatula tricks, egg cracking, he'd flip a piece of shrimp from the grill into your mouth, and just kind of a fun show to watch while he cooks your dinner. 

(this isn't our group. I just found a pic on Google so you could actually see since the only picture I took wasn't a good one)

I personally do not like Japanese food at all. I'm not into sea food, shrimp, sushi, any of that. But I did enjoy my dinner here. Caleb loves this kind of food and wanted to go all out. He tried a couple different kinds of sushi that had eel in it. (SICK!) and then helped eat my plate. I wish every restaurant had your food cooked in front of you because that was a lot of fun! After dinner, we headed back to the hotel for the night. 

Wednesday morning I woke up to Caleb getting ready for his last convention. 

Just lookin at the view before he left. After he left I got ready and packed up the hotel because we had to be out by 11 again....and again, I was a half hour late checking out..woops again! After lugging all our crap down 12 stories and another lever down to the garage twice, I checked out and headed to the mall while Caleb was still at his convention. I was basically just killing time. Everything was packed, I was just now waiting for Caleb. So I get to the mall and browse some stores that I have never been into. While I was there I saw a Sephora and about died! I have been watching a ton of beauty/makeup gurus on you tube and they all talk about their makeup and that it comes from Sephora. I was in heaven! I could have spent all day in there. I LOVE makeup and seeing the nice stuff that I watch all the time on you tube was way too much fun for me. I'm glad Caleb wasn't with me in this store because I know I would have bored him to death. I was able to take my time and look at everything. I knew there was at least one product I wanted to get from there. And I found it!

Ta da! I was stoked. I have HATED my eyebrows my whole life and have tried different products to get them to look decent and haven't loved ANY of them. I have wanted to get them tattoo'd on for so long now, but today I tried this Anastasia Beverly Hills Brow Wiz and am amazed. Best product I've ever used on my eyebrows. It's a pricey penny but I will never go back to my old stuff. Thank you Sephora! I'm pleased. After the mall, I was STARVING as I had not eaten yet. I headed to Subway and ate a sandwich there, then afterwards headed to Shopko. I knew Caleb was just about finished so I was just killing time. While I was in Shopko, Caleb called and said he was done. He met me there at the store. We gassed up the car, grabbed some drinks, changed into sweats, and headed for home. The car rides with Caleb are maybe my favorite. There's nothing to do but talk, sing to music, dance to music, hold hands, laugh, and just sit with each other. So the car rides are a definite hoot! We picked up Libbie and got home around 8. Ahhhh. Home sweet home. There's nothing better. Your own home, own bed, bathroom, food, comfort of home! It was a good trip. We will be back there in 6 months!

In love

Warning..love sappy post ahead.

Just a quick post tonight. I just wanted to say that I pretty much love my husbands guts. I love him! I love that even after almost 5 years married, we still have this indescribable love for each other. I love him so much more every single day. I love being in love. I love knowing I have an eternal partner through life. I love coming home after a long day to someone that just makes me the happiest girl ever. I love being able to laugh with someone, cry with someone, and experience the highs and lows that life has to offer with someone. I love that Caleb can still make me laugh every. single. day. without fail. I love that he works so hard for us and never ever ever do I ever hear him complain about it. I love that he still makes me giddy and have butterflies. I cried happy tears twice this last week to him simply because I am so grateful and so blessed to be his wife. He thinks I'm his rock, when really, he's mine. I don't know what more I can say except that I seriously, truly, with all my heart, love this boy with every ounce of my human being.

Update on meds and a personal post on trials

In one of my last posts, I basically complained of how awful these fertility drugs have been. I left off on where my sister came and helped me out. So I will just pick up from there.

Friday night, I still wasn't feeling good. I took a little nap to pass some time. When I woke up, I was so incredibly nauseous. To the point I ran to the bathroom to go puke. And I don't know if it's just me and what runs in my family? or if all people get this way. But when I get that nauseous, I get weak in my legs and arms as if they are nauseous too, I start sweating, my stomach just churns, and I get so incredibly dizzy. Every time I throw up I end up passing out. So...I don't know if most people are like that or if it's just me. But anyways. It was horrible. I literally had had it. I broke out the water works and just cried. I was physically, emotionally, and mentally just done. Making a baby should not have to be this miserable, straining, emotional and just down right so hard to do. This is no life. Laying in bed day after day, taking time off work, and looking like a homeless person just was not going to be how It was done. I ended up taking Saturday off work as well. I felt so bad, but there was just no way. I couldn't even stand without almost falling over from the dizzyness. I'm sure no one would trust me cutting their hair in that state anyways. Thank goodness I took Saturday off. Because all Friday night and into Saturday, I could not sleep. I just felt awful. I would maybe doze off but then wake back up again thinking I was about to vomit. It was horrible.

After talking to Caleb, I had decided to stop taking the medication. It wasn't easing up whatsoever, and I was supposed to be at my full dose the next day when I was this miserable at half my dose. So I stopped taking the medication on Saturday. And by Sunday, I felt like a new woman. It was seriously crazy. I felt back to myself and I could not have been happier. I was able to work through the week with no problems at all.

Part of me feels SO extremely guilty for stopping the medication. Mainly because, I told myself from the beginning, I will do what it takes, even if that means hard things. I don't want to look back and regret taking it. What if this did the trick? And I just stopped taking it. I want to be able to look back and say that I did everything possible to get that biological child. Yet, part of me feels like, I can't let this infertility rule my life. I can't let it define me. I refuse to lose my job over this. So I am torn on knowing what to do. I have thought about going back on it, but just staying at the lowest dose, because that I could handle from when I took it last time. So I am waiting till I don't have work for a few days in a row to try it out. But if the sickness starts back up, I'm done.

Another trial came about this last week. I was supposed to start up another fertility medication this week so that we could go through with our IUI here in a couple weeks. Well, after doing the math, it just so happens that the few days that the IUI would fall on, we will be in Boise for Caleb's work. UGHHH. I could not be more frustrated right now. We have put this off since November because something always got in the way, whether it was Christmas, changing doctors, new meds, and now a business trip. I had been mentally prepping myself for this and now I took that horrible medication for nothing. I tried to think of every possible way for it to still work out and I just don't think that it's going to happen this month. So. That's that. Another month out. This will make 5 months of being out since seeing our first fertility doctor. No we aren't in a huge rush, but I am ready to get this show on the road. It is what it is. But I swear, I sure feel like God is testing us. I feel like nothing is going right. I'm starting to lose hope again. I need that boost of confidence again with this whole journey. I'm sure if you've been through this journey you know just how exhausting it can be. Month after month. Meds after meds. Hoping each month that maybe a miracle happened just to find out that another month has come and gone.

I dream of a family. I'm tired of random people judging me because I don't have kids. I'm tired of the inconsiderate comments made towards me. I'm tired of feeling a stinging pain in my heart as I listen to mommies to be talk about their pregnancies and babies. I'm ready for my husband to be called daddy and me mommy. I'm ready for my nephews and niece to have cousins that come from us. I'm tired of being the black sheep in our families with everyone passing us by. I want to decorate a nursery, and snuggle a baby in my arms. I want to be a Santa Clause, the Easter bunny, and the tooth fairy. I want to hear pitter patters of footsteps through my home. I want to read stories and watch cartoons. I want to be woken up from our kids someday rather than my annoying alarm clock. I am ready for it all. Even the hard times that comes with children.

I truly feel in my heart that this whole journey has strengthened both me and Caleb. It's opened our eyes to different situations in life. And because of this journey and trial, I know we will be that much better of parents and truly be grateful and cherish moments that others may take for granted. Even the other day, I was in Wal Mart at the checkout lane. I heard this lady literally screaming on the top of her lungs at her maybe 2 year old in the cart. Swearing at him, screaming at him, all while this little boy was sobbing. It caused all of the checkout lanes to kind of go silent. We all kinda looked at each other and just could sense that we all felt so bad for this little boy. Given, I have NO idea what had happened or what, but this mom looked and seemed to be a druggy/gothic like mom. She was wearing a black belly shirt and just looked like she lived a rough life. Like I said, I don't know the circumstances or what had happened, and chances are she's a sweet lady, but when I see moment's like this, that's what makes my heart hurt. Those moment's especially make me angry and question why me? I know that everyone in this world has trials. And I know that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. One day at a time is all we can do.

I am so so sooo grateful for my husband. I know for a lot of couples that when hard things come it tears couples apart, and I can proudly say, that this trial has caused us to lean on each other and make us stronger. I am also grateful for my job and how understanding my boss has been. I'm sure with any other job I would have been gone by now. And lastly, as hard as this trial has been, I am grateful. Simply because it has made me stronger, and has opened my eyes in so many ways.

Valentines Day Weekend

Valentines day weekend ended up being a pretty fun week! I didn't have to work on Saturday which meant I had a 4 day weekend. I so needed it. The only thing to have made it better, were to have been if Caleb had the weekend off too. Lame. What do ya do.

So on Friday, I ended up at my parent's house while Caleb was at work. It was such a beautiful day. Low 50's and sunny. It was a chill day. Me, my brother and sister rode dirt bikes for quite a while. It's so much fun I have seriously been looking on Craigslist to see if I could invest in one some day. haha

Saturday..Valentines day! So, both me and Caleb aren't super big into Valentines Day. We've always been the type of people to keep it super simple. We both know we love the crap out of each other and always just feel obligated to do something super fancy. We both have decided it means so much more when flowers or cards or dates or whatever are givin just because rather than having it be expected. So for that morning, we both were able to sleep in which, that alone makes for an amazing day. I think anyways. After sleeping in, I made some breakfast for Caleb. Heart shaped french toast of course. ;)

I also did my nails all valentine-ee

Me and Caleb mainly had the morning and early afternoon together before he had to go to work. So while he was at work, I went out to my parent's again since the rest of my family was meeting out there. That night, I got to put my nephew to sleep for the first time. All the other times, my siblings have done it. 

There is literally NO better feeling than snuggling up to a precious little baby or toddler, rocking next to the fireplace and watching a disney movie. In this case, It was 101 Dalmations. Hadn't seen that movie since I was little. But ah. I just felt so happy putting him to sleep. Little moments that I cherish for sure. And that pretty much sums up Valentines day. I headed home and finally around 11, Caleb came home. 

Sunday, Caleb had to go to work again. They did more painting and did some deep cleaning. He also had a couple of meetings. The meetings went AWESOME and that's all I can really say. We both are excited for the future. :) After 10.5 hours he was home. I seriously am such a baby! I literally hung out at home by myself all day with nothing to do. It's just so lonely without Caleb in the house. I hate it with a passion. Just knowing he's in the house even if we are doing our own thing makes me feel so much better. 

Monday, Caleb headed back out to work..agaaiinn..for a while this morning. He always has Sunday and Mondays off so when he worked both days, it just kinda sucked! For the both of us! He did have to come home eventually though since we had an appointment to get our taxes done. After taxes, we met up with my family at Fat Cats and went bowling.

Slightly blurry picture but it will do. My mom of all people won. haha! And she beat my dad by one point! It was hilarious. I of course was I think bottom 3. Ha figures. I'm a horrible bowler. But, we all had a fun time! After bowling, me and Caleb came home and could finally just be home together for the first time this weekend. 

Of course he zonked out since he's had a huge a week. I don't blame him at all. 

And this is how our weekend was summed up! Snuggling on our squishy futon in our squishy apartment, watchin shows, you tube or whatever and just hanging out. It's the best. Married life is the best. I love this boy more and more every day. Happy Valentines Day weekend to us!

One day at a time

It's been quite a week. Fertility meds = sickly people over here. The medication I am on has been a doozy. The first week I was doing ok. I had mainly headaches, some dizzyness, and heart burn but overall I felt pretty good. I figured, well, sweet! Allll the rotten things I had heard about this drug isn't going to affect me! I was so far one of those, "lucky ones". Well, Sunday comes around and I had to double my dose. Sunday I just felt weird. Not myself. My stomach was off, and just felt weird. I don't know. Sunday night, I started to really not feel good. That was after I had my second dose of meds that day. Monday came and man, I was miserable. I felt like I had the full blown stomach flu. I kept telling myself, "it's just the drugs. Anything for a baby." But I was in bed alll day long. I watched you tube and movies all day and just layed around. Nothing would stay in my belly. Not even a sip of water. So I hardly ate, I really didn't want to eat. I had no appetite whatsoever. Long story short, I took work off on Tuesday because this was kicking my trash. I called my doctor and pharmacist and was told I could lower my dose some. YES. THANK YOU. So Tuesday I lowered my dose a little and have done quite a bit better. Definitely better than Mon. and Tue. I still am nauseous every day, especially mornings, have heart burn like I have never had before, nothing stays in my belly, I have headaches, and just simply don't feel good. stomach pills, and tums have taken the edge off. I have been told by everyone that takes this drug to eliminate most carbs/if not all carbs, greasy or fried foods, sugars and reeeaallly watch the dairy intake. To be honest, it's been so flippin hard. What doesn't have carbs or sugars? Like seriously? I am such a picky eater and to all of a sudden just drop eating out, stop eating my favorite foods and snacks completely is so hard. And it's not like I will just feel a little sick if I eat them, it's like, realllyy baddd. And where I have a job and responsibilities makes it so much harder. On the plus side of it all, I believe I have lost some weight. 4 people at work told me I look smaller so that's huge to me. I haven't been able to lose a pound in 3 years. So I think changing my diet and also these pills alone make people lose weight. So as far as that goes, I am not complaining, but still. Anyways, so last night as I was venting to my sister of how hard this is for me trying to think of something, ANYTHING to eat and keep down, she offered to drive here today, help me grocery shop and meal plan. Awh. The anxiety went away. She came over this morning, gave me a list of meals she looked up the night before that would maybe work, gave me her recipe book to look through, and shared some tips and what not, and also went grocery shopping with me. It meant so much to me. I know I could have figured it out but I am not a good cook/don't really know how to cook/HATE to cook, and this whole food ordeal was really stressing me out. So, thank you sister. I seriously appreciate it!

And another plus to her coming by today..baby snuggles. :) So for me, REALLY changing my whole lifestyle in a matter of a few days has been a bit rough. But anything for that baby right?? ugh. I think it wouldn't be so difficult if I knew FOR SURE that this is going to get us one. If I knew that it would for sure happen, I'd be more happy about taking my meds every day. haha. And I think the thing that makes it worse, is knowing that I am supposed to up the dose again in a few days and here in about a week start up another kind of fertility medication. hmph :(  

As for Caleb, yes, he too get's sickly with his dose of drugs as well. It's nothing new to see a barf bucket by either side of our bed just in case. What do you do right? We just decided to take one day at a time. Take one dose at a time, and deal with things as they come. That's all you can do right? I just hope and pray that all this not so fun household at the moment will be worth it someday. 

Thank goodness we have each other to lean on during these not so fun moments. Caleb has been NOTHING but sweet to me. I appreciate his positive outlook on things and keeping me laughing during the rough days. And, sorry for the negative post. Next one I'll be sure to make it a happy one. 

And just because I think this is adorable. Fresh laundry = Libbie has a new bed till I fold the clothes.