Looking back

Last night I was re reading a lot of my old blog posts. I am SO grateful I have this blog and have shared what I have on it. Some people may think I share too many personal things but like I have previously said, this blog is for me. I want to, and am grateful for what I have shared and the personal details and raw emotions I have poured out onto here. I forget about a lot of things that have happened. One thing I am especially grateful that I have blogged about is mine and Caleb's journey with infertility. I know at the time, blogging about it truly was a way of coping and dealing with it. I was reading pretty much all of my old posts about it last night and was in tears because it brought back so many raw emotions of what I felt, what I was going through, my thoughts on everything and life in general. I couldn't help but be reminded of friends that are going through infertility and it saddens me that there are still friends out there that are still struggling. It's just crazy looking back and seeing absolutely NO hope with having a child. I seriously thought I would never get to experience motherhood. I was losing faith, and hope of everything. I was jealous of my friends and my family. I always felt that my heart was just shredded to pieces any time ANYONE announced a pregnancy. Especially family. I remember trying my very hardest to be happy for them and show excitement but in all honesty, I would usually end up at home after they had announced and would end up having a cry session. I couldn't help but be angry and jealous every. single. time. I remember praying hard for peace and comfort when it came to people announcing it because I WANTED to be happy for them. Just because I had this trial in my life didn't mean I wanted to be mad, jealous, or angry at someone else. Looking back now, I probably should apologize to some people for being so emotional or cold hearted toward them when they announced it and throughout their pregnancies, or for not showing up to baby showers, or saying no to plenty of people that would ask me to babysit. I didn't mean to hurt people or make them feel that their pregnancy or families wasn't important. I don't know, I just wish I would have been able to handle the situations better and looked more at their point of view rather than me being self centered and only caring about my feelings. I guess there's really nothing I can do to change the past except be sorry about it, and be more happy, and willing to help out now.

Being half way along today (20 weeks) I can't help but feel just so blessed and grateful for this baby girl. I can't believe I am here in these shoes today. I can't believe every baby item I purchase is actually for mine and Caleb's daughter soon. MINE and CALEB'S. I remember browsing baby sections with a sting in my heart wishing so badly I could enjoy any one of those baby items. And now, I get that opportunity and every time I buy ANYTHING, I think, "I seriously thought I'd never get this opportunity. I can't believe I'm buying this for OUR baby".  I thank my Heavenly Father daily for this precious gift. I am grateful he is trusting us to be this baby girls parents. Even through the tough times of pregnancy, which, there are plently I feel like, I still am just so grateful.

Onto a pregnancy update.
Baby girl is the size of a banana this week and is 6.5 inches long from head to rump and 10 inches from head to heel! She weighs approximately 10.5 oz which means she is getting pretty big! Still tiny, but it's nice to actually think that there's a little baby in there that's bigger than small pieces of fruit. haha Really, nothing has changed since last week except for the fact I woke up at 5:30 this morning to eat a bowl of frosted flakes. I was starving. I'm still not feeling great, still have heart burn/ acid reflux, sciatica, all that jazz. I do want to say that I am feeling this baby girl quite a bit anymore and I stinkin LOVE it! Mornings are when I don't really feel her. But during the day and at night if I'm just sitting or lying down she usually starts going crazy in there. The other night I was trying to fall asleep but I couldn't because she was moving for probably a half an hour straight. That was the longest I've felt movement at one time. Normally it's just for a  minute or two. But these past few days especially it's like a lot of movement with a random hard kick every now and then. I felt her again from the outside a couple times which was exciting. I am excited when Caleb can feel her. I don't think it will be much longer. Hopefully this week! We shall see!

20 week baby bump! Definitely getting more plump and round!

As for other news this week, Caleb is just working hard, as usual, I have been helping tend my nephew some, and have hanging out with a lot of family. I have been trying to take it easy this week and not do so much and I think that it's helping some with how I have been feeling. It doesn't take much for me to overdo it and get sick from it, so, lazy days, with some cleaning and errands in the middle of it all is how this week has been going. 

Libbie has been good too. She is so funny. I was laying on our futon watching a show when I look over and see Libbie working her way under the pillow so she is covered. It was hilarious! She loves to be snuggled up warm pretty much all the time. 

That's it for this weeks update. Until next time!