In love

Warning..love sappy post ahead.

Just a quick post tonight. I just wanted to say that I pretty much love my husbands guts. I love him! I love that even after almost 5 years married, we still have this indescribable love for each other. I love him so much more every single day. I love being in love. I love knowing I have an eternal partner through life. I love coming home after a long day to someone that just makes me the happiest girl ever. I love being able to laugh with someone, cry with someone, and experience the highs and lows that life has to offer with someone. I love that Caleb can still make me laugh every. single. day. without fail. I love that he works so hard for us and never ever ever do I ever hear him complain about it. I love that he still makes me giddy and have butterflies. I cried happy tears twice this last week to him simply because I am so grateful and so blessed to be his wife. He thinks I'm his rock, when really, he's mine. I don't know what more I can say except that I seriously, truly, with all my heart, love this boy with every ounce of my human being.

Update on meds and a personal post on trials

In one of my last posts, I basically complained of how awful these fertility drugs have been. I left off on where my sister came and helped me out. So I will just pick up from there.

Friday night, I still wasn't feeling good. I took a little nap to pass some time. When I woke up, I was so incredibly nauseous. To the point I ran to the bathroom to go puke. And I don't know if it's just me and what runs in my family? or if all people get this way. But when I get that nauseous, I get weak in my legs and arms as if they are nauseous too, I start sweating, my stomach just churns, and I get so incredibly dizzy. Every time I throw up I end up passing out. So...I don't know if most people are like that or if it's just me. But anyways. It was horrible. I literally had had it. I broke out the water works and just cried. I was physically, emotionally, and mentally just done. Making a baby should not have to be this miserable, straining, emotional and just down right so hard to do. This is no life. Laying in bed day after day, taking time off work, and looking like a homeless person just was not going to be how It was done. I ended up taking Saturday off work as well. I felt so bad, but there was just no way. I couldn't even stand without almost falling over from the dizzyness. I'm sure no one would trust me cutting their hair in that state anyways. Thank goodness I took Saturday off. Because all Friday night and into Saturday, I could not sleep. I just felt awful. I would maybe doze off but then wake back up again thinking I was about to vomit. It was horrible.

After talking to Caleb, I had decided to stop taking the medication. It wasn't easing up whatsoever, and I was supposed to be at my full dose the next day when I was this miserable at half my dose. So I stopped taking the medication on Saturday. And by Sunday, I felt like a new woman. It was seriously crazy. I felt back to myself and I could not have been happier. I was able to work through the week with no problems at all.

Part of me feels SO extremely guilty for stopping the medication. Mainly because, I told myself from the beginning, I will do what it takes, even if that means hard things. I don't want to look back and regret taking it. What if this did the trick? And I just stopped taking it. I want to be able to look back and say that I did everything possible to get that biological child. Yet, part of me feels like, I can't let this infertility rule my life. I can't let it define me. I refuse to lose my job over this. So I am torn on knowing what to do. I have thought about going back on it, but just staying at the lowest dose, because that I could handle from when I took it last time. So I am waiting till I don't have work for a few days in a row to try it out. But if the sickness starts back up, I'm done.

Another trial came about this last week. I was supposed to start up another fertility medication this week so that we could go through with our IUI here in a couple weeks. Well, after doing the math, it just so happens that the few days that the IUI would fall on, we will be in Boise for Caleb's work. UGHHH. I could not be more frustrated right now. We have put this off since November because something always got in the way, whether it was Christmas, changing doctors, new meds, and now a business trip. I had been mentally prepping myself for this and now I took that horrible medication for nothing. I tried to think of every possible way for it to still work out and I just don't think that it's going to happen this month. So. That's that. Another month out. This will make 5 months of being out since seeing our first fertility doctor. No we aren't in a huge rush, but I am ready to get this show on the road. It is what it is. But I swear, I sure feel like God is testing us. I feel like nothing is going right. I'm starting to lose hope again. I need that boost of confidence again with this whole journey. I'm sure if you've been through this journey you know just how exhausting it can be. Month after month. Meds after meds. Hoping each month that maybe a miracle happened just to find out that another month has come and gone.

I dream of a family. I'm tired of random people judging me because I don't have kids. I'm tired of the inconsiderate comments made towards me. I'm tired of feeling a stinging pain in my heart as I listen to mommies to be talk about their pregnancies and babies. I'm ready for my husband to be called daddy and me mommy. I'm ready for my nephews and niece to have cousins that come from us. I'm tired of being the black sheep in our families with everyone passing us by. I want to decorate a nursery, and snuggle a baby in my arms. I want to be a Santa Clause, the Easter bunny, and the tooth fairy. I want to hear pitter patters of footsteps through my home. I want to read stories and watch cartoons. I want to be woken up from our kids someday rather than my annoying alarm clock. I am ready for it all. Even the hard times that comes with children.

I truly feel in my heart that this whole journey has strengthened both me and Caleb. It's opened our eyes to different situations in life. And because of this journey and trial, I know we will be that much better of parents and truly be grateful and cherish moments that others may take for granted. Even the other day, I was in Wal Mart at the checkout lane. I heard this lady literally screaming on the top of her lungs at her maybe 2 year old in the cart. Swearing at him, screaming at him, all while this little boy was sobbing. It caused all of the checkout lanes to kind of go silent. We all kinda looked at each other and just could sense that we all felt so bad for this little boy. Given, I have NO idea what had happened or what, but this mom looked and seemed to be a druggy/gothic like mom. She was wearing a black belly shirt and just looked like she lived a rough life. Like I said, I don't know the circumstances or what had happened, and chances are she's a sweet lady, but when I see moment's like this, that's what makes my heart hurt. Those moment's especially make me angry and question why me? I know that everyone in this world has trials. And I know that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. One day at a time is all we can do.

I am so so sooo grateful for my husband. I know for a lot of couples that when hard things come it tears couples apart, and I can proudly say, that this trial has caused us to lean on each other and make us stronger. I am also grateful for my job and how understanding my boss has been. I'm sure with any other job I would have been gone by now. And lastly, as hard as this trial has been, I am grateful. Simply because it has made me stronger, and has opened my eyes in so many ways.

Valentines Day Weekend

Valentines day weekend ended up being a pretty fun week! I didn't have to work on Saturday which meant I had a 4 day weekend. I so needed it. The only thing to have made it better, were to have been if Caleb had the weekend off too. Lame. What do ya do.

So on Friday, I ended up at my parent's house while Caleb was at work. It was such a beautiful day. Low 50's and sunny. It was a chill day. Me, my brother and sister rode dirt bikes for quite a while. It's so much fun I have seriously been looking on Craigslist to see if I could invest in one some day. haha

Saturday..Valentines day! So, both me and Caleb aren't super big into Valentines Day. We've always been the type of people to keep it super simple. We both know we love the crap out of each other and always just feel obligated to do something super fancy. We both have decided it means so much more when flowers or cards or dates or whatever are givin just because rather than having it be expected. So for that morning, we both were able to sleep in which, that alone makes for an amazing day. I think anyways. After sleeping in, I made some breakfast for Caleb. Heart shaped french toast of course. ;)

I also did my nails all valentine-ee

Me and Caleb mainly had the morning and early afternoon together before he had to go to work. So while he was at work, I went out to my parent's again since the rest of my family was meeting out there. That night, I got to put my nephew to sleep for the first time. All the other times, my siblings have done it. 

There is literally NO better feeling than snuggling up to a precious little baby or toddler, rocking next to the fireplace and watching a disney movie. In this case, It was 101 Dalmations. Hadn't seen that movie since I was little. But ah. I just felt so happy putting him to sleep. Little moments that I cherish for sure. And that pretty much sums up Valentines day. I headed home and finally around 11, Caleb came home. 

Sunday, Caleb had to go to work again. They did more painting and did some deep cleaning. He also had a couple of meetings. The meetings went AWESOME and that's all I can really say. We both are excited for the future. :) After 10.5 hours he was home. I seriously am such a baby! I literally hung out at home by myself all day with nothing to do. It's just so lonely without Caleb in the house. I hate it with a passion. Just knowing he's in the house even if we are doing our own thing makes me feel so much better. 

Monday, Caleb headed back out to work..agaaiinn..for a while this morning. He always has Sunday and Mondays off so when he worked both days, it just kinda sucked! For the both of us! He did have to come home eventually though since we had an appointment to get our taxes done. After taxes, we met up with my family at Fat Cats and went bowling.

Slightly blurry picture but it will do. My mom of all people won. haha! And she beat my dad by one point! It was hilarious. I of course was I think bottom 3. Ha figures. I'm a horrible bowler. But, we all had a fun time! After bowling, me and Caleb came home and could finally just be home together for the first time this weekend. 

Of course he zonked out since he's had a huge a week. I don't blame him at all. 

And this is how our weekend was summed up! Snuggling on our squishy futon in our squishy apartment, watchin shows, you tube or whatever and just hanging out. It's the best. Married life is the best. I love this boy more and more every day. Happy Valentines Day weekend to us!

One day at a time

It's been quite a week. Fertility meds = sickly people over here. The medication I am on has been a doozy. The first week I was doing ok. I had mainly headaches, some dizzyness, and heart burn but overall I felt pretty good. I figured, well, sweet! Allll the rotten things I had heard about this drug isn't going to affect me! I was so far one of those, "lucky ones". Well, Sunday comes around and I had to double my dose. Sunday I just felt weird. Not myself. My stomach was off, and just felt weird. I don't know. Sunday night, I started to really not feel good. That was after I had my second dose of meds that day. Monday came and man, I was miserable. I felt like I had the full blown stomach flu. I kept telling myself, "it's just the drugs. Anything for a baby." But I was in bed alll day long. I watched you tube and movies all day and just layed around. Nothing would stay in my belly. Not even a sip of water. So I hardly ate, I really didn't want to eat. I had no appetite whatsoever. Long story short, I took work off on Tuesday because this was kicking my trash. I called my doctor and pharmacist and was told I could lower my dose some. YES. THANK YOU. So Tuesday I lowered my dose a little and have done quite a bit better. Definitely better than Mon. and Tue. I still am nauseous every day, especially mornings, have heart burn like I have never had before, nothing stays in my belly, I have headaches, and just simply don't feel good. stomach pills, and tums have taken the edge off. I have been told by everyone that takes this drug to eliminate most carbs/if not all carbs, greasy or fried foods, sugars and reeeaallly watch the dairy intake. To be honest, it's been so flippin hard. What doesn't have carbs or sugars? Like seriously? I am such a picky eater and to all of a sudden just drop eating out, stop eating my favorite foods and snacks completely is so hard. And it's not like I will just feel a little sick if I eat them, it's like, realllyy baddd. And where I have a job and responsibilities makes it so much harder. On the plus side of it all, I believe I have lost some weight. 4 people at work told me I look smaller so that's huge to me. I haven't been able to lose a pound in 3 years. So I think changing my diet and also these pills alone make people lose weight. So as far as that goes, I am not complaining, but still. Anyways, so last night as I was venting to my sister of how hard this is for me trying to think of something, ANYTHING to eat and keep down, she offered to drive here today, help me grocery shop and meal plan. Awh. The anxiety went away. She came over this morning, gave me a list of meals she looked up the night before that would maybe work, gave me her recipe book to look through, and shared some tips and what not, and also went grocery shopping with me. It meant so much to me. I know I could have figured it out but I am not a good cook/don't really know how to cook/HATE to cook, and this whole food ordeal was really stressing me out. So, thank you sister. I seriously appreciate it!

And another plus to her coming by today..baby snuggles. :) So for me, REALLY changing my whole lifestyle in a matter of a few days has been a bit rough. But anything for that baby right?? ugh. I think it wouldn't be so difficult if I knew FOR SURE that this is going to get us one. If I knew that it would for sure happen, I'd be more happy about taking my meds every day. haha. And I think the thing that makes it worse, is knowing that I am supposed to up the dose again in a few days and here in about a week start up another kind of fertility medication. hmph :(  

As for Caleb, yes, he too get's sickly with his dose of drugs as well. It's nothing new to see a barf bucket by either side of our bed just in case. What do you do right? We just decided to take one day at a time. Take one dose at a time, and deal with things as they come. That's all you can do right? I just hope and pray that all this not so fun household at the moment will be worth it someday. 

Thank goodness we have each other to lean on during these not so fun moments. Caleb has been NOTHING but sweet to me. I appreciate his positive outlook on things and keeping me laughing during the rough days. And, sorry for the negative post. Next one I'll be sure to make it a happy one. 

And just because I think this is adorable. Fresh laundry = Libbie has a new bed till I fold the clothes.