Auntie Shalei

I became an aunt again this last week. My sister Shandell gave birth to the most absolute perfect baby boy on Wednesday. They named him Kash Ethan. I am so proud of her! I can only imagine giving birth is no easy task so her doing that makes me one proud sissy :) I have been obsessing over him!

Day of birth we all waited the night before and all that day. FINALLY he came at 2:32 p.m. and we were there to see him.

They wouldn't let anyone under 18 on the floor of the women's section because of some big virus or something...so luckily they were in a room where the kids could come up to the window and see him through that. 

Day 2 I came up and saw Shandell and baby Kash the moment I finished work that night.

Absolutely in LOVE with all that hair!

Day 3 Shandell was able to go home. So me, my mom, my dad and my sister made the drive through the INSANE rain storm to drop off a rocking chair and to see them again. 

I love seeing my dad with babies. It's pretty precious. 

And hopefully when Caleb ISN'T at work, he will be able to meet this little guy. Gosh. Something about a new baby brings such a special spirit. It's such an amazing thing to think about. I WILL have one of these someday! And I will do whatever it takes to get there. Love you Shandell! I am so happy for you and Ethan. Let motherhood begin!

Also, last week some of my family had a weenie roast at my parents house. So much fun! My nephew is getting to such a fun stage. You can never go wrong with good food, and good company. 

Yeah.. you could say I'm the favorite aunt ;) haha

A personal post about a million things

A million things have been running through my mind and I simply need to get it off my chest. This post is a bit more personal for me. Let's talk baby making....not actual making...but ya know...getting pregnant. I have mentioned a little bit in previous posts about us not being able to get pregnant. And yes, as of today, that is still the case. I have had a super hard time with it all. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. I have had so many people, family, cousins, friends, random clients from work even ask the golden question.."when are you going to have a baby?" I have been asked PLENTY others but this seems to be the one that's most often asked. I know people are simply curious, but at the same time, don't people know that that question is kind of private? Unless you KNOW me, I find it kind of weird your asking. I have told so many people a little lie or something to quickly change the subject because I feel uncomfortable having to explain to random people why we don't have any babies. I have been feeling bottled up, not sure who to talk to about such a private ordeal. So, here I am on my blog, venting to the world about why we don't have any babies.

Let's go way back. I have had health issues dealing with my periods from day one. It never crossed my mind that when we actually wanted to start a family, that it would create problems. When I was engaged to Caleb, I remember talking about families and how we both wanted one some day. I wanted one sooner than later simply because I have been baby hungry since I was 2. haha no seriously. I have always loved babies. Caleb on the other hand wanted to wait for at least 2 to 3 years. Once we got married, we talked about it. I was ready from day one. I knew I was young, and I knew we weren't really stable as far as a home, money, careers, but I knew that if it happened, I would be the best mom ever. Caleb on the other hand was not ready whatsoever. And that's ok. I'm not going to force something SO large on someone. So, I waited. One year, then two. Almost 3 years married was when I was at the start of all my health stuff. I was diagnosed with Endometriosis and was also dealing with cysts. Around 3 years married, we came to an agreement that we would start trying. Caleb was still a little weary of it, but we knew it was our best shot because of the health issues I was going though. So we tried..and tried..and tried. About 4 months in of trying, I had surgery. Main reason, was for period pain. Second reason, was to help get us pregnant. Even those 4 months of trying were hard! I think the reason it seemed so hard for me was simply because I had already waited over 3 years to try to get pregnant. I already felt infertile before we even started trying. After surgery, I was determined it would cure what it was supposed to and that we would get pregnant in a couple of months. And yep, you guessed it...still not pregnant, and still in loads of pain. Here we are at a year of trying. My next doctors appointment will be the fertility process.

I have had such a hard time with all of this. My main frustrations are these: I have HORRIBLE monthly periods that leave me blacking out. It's a constant reminder of what my body isn't capable of doing. I want to be a mom more than anything on this planet. There were two things I wanted out of this life. They were to become a wife, and then a mom. I'm grateful I have achieved one of them. I'm tired of the inconsiderate comments. Comments like "just adopt" or "you're young and have time". "Stop trying, and then it will happen." Those are just a few. The comments I have heard leave me in disbelief sometimes. What people don't seem to get is this. Starting a family is between me, my husband, and our Heavenly Father. It's no one else's business. I don't care if you think I am too young, not stable enough, or whatever else. Trust me, I have thought and prayed LONG and hard about this. And I KNOW we are doing the right thing. Other things that leave me frustrated are: social media and my jealousy. I have a love hate relationship with Instagram and Facebook. I got onto Facebook one day and counted 17 posts all about their new baby, or children related something. Although I am SO happy for them, I can't help but feel empty from it. It leaves me questioning everything. Why me? Why does this 16 year old get to have sex one freakin time and get pregnant and then us try and try and try and still have no luck. It didn't seem fair. Another frustration is money. Although we are doing really well with money, it's hard to not get frustrated knowing what we have spent and are going to spend to hopefully get pregnant. So many doctors appointments, blood draws, a surgery, ultrasounds. I often get extremely jealous when people get pregnant within the first three months of trying. Again, I am so happy for them, but it leaves me angry. I can't help but be jealous of family or friends that is pregnant and have families. And to be honest, I think one of the cruelest ones, is having an extremely vivid dream where I am a mom. I have had SO many dreams where I have this perfect, sweet innocent baby. I wake up and I'm angry because I know it was just a dream. Those are some of my main frustrations.

Here is the good I have gotten out of being infertile. I have gotten more time to spend with just my husband. We have been able to do a lot more things than a lot of young families get to do. I have been able to sleep. Sounds silly, but I will forever be grateful for a good nights sleep. I think even when a baby comes, this will be one of the hardest things I will have to deal with. We have been able to be more financially stable and have fun with money. We both have pretty much gotten our careers. I personally have become a little more patient. I'm still working on that one, but overall, it has helped in that area. I have been able to be more considerate of others and what they are going through. I have been able to work, watch any show or movie I want, go on midnight McDonald's runs with Caleb, grocery shop at night, stay up late, and have fun with my spouse. It has made me and Caleb closer. And I have also felt closer to God. I have put more trust in him. Although it has been hard sometimes, I truly feel closer to him.

I know I have had many venting sessions to my family and especially my sister. Thank you. Thanks for listening, the uplifting messages, texts, articles, support and prayers.

I know some people reading this may just be starting the TTC process, or fertility process, or
even years of infertility. My heart goes out to you. May we all come together in hard, frustrating, and even good times. Here's to staying positive that we will be blessed with 10 tiny fingers and toes soon. :)

Boise Vacation

This trip was mainly for Caleb and his company meeting but we also included it as part of our anniversary trip. Sysco paid for our whole trip so that was a huge bonus to us. A huge thanks to them!

We left early Friday morning just ahead of 7:30. We hadn't even made it to Idaho Falls when a light on our car pops up with it saying that our tire pressure was low. We knew we should have gotten our car serviced. So we stopped at a Maverick on the way and filled up our tires a bit. After that little stop we got on the road. Being in the car with Caleb is seriously a hoot. I might just think that it may be one of my favorite things--singing to songs, holding hands, dancing to music, chit chattin--so fun. We finally got there and had little time to spare before I had to drop Caleb off at Sysco for his meeting. So we found where he was going to go, then drove to our hotel to make sure I knew where I was going after I dropped him off. Finally the time came and I dropped Caleb off at his meeting. While he was there, I drove to go see my grandpa and step grandma. He has been getting to the last of his days and has been pretty sick with cancer that has been horrible for him. When I got to his place, it was hard. I don't like seeing loved ones in not good shape. But, I'm glad I stopped by. It may be the last time I see him. I'm not sure. We'll see. After swinging by my grandpas, I drove to our hotel and checked in. It was SUCH a nice hotel. Nicest one me or Caleb have ever stayed at. I hung out there for a bit, then headed back to pick up Caleb and Wes..another guy Caleb works with. Sysco wanted to treat Big Juds to dinner that night. We ended up at Goodwood which is a bbq pace. They ordered us SO much food. Appetizers, our main dish (which was ginormous) AND dessert. We were STUFFED full.

We talked at dinner and was there for 3 hours. Good company and good food. We came back to our hotel and hit the sack, I was so tired. 

Saturday, we slept in, and got ready. I was in horrendous pain that morning and was kinda sick and just didn't feel good at all. I loaded up on pain pills and that took the edge off. Wes and his girlfriend Kristina invited us to go to lunch and hang out with them that day before the game that night. So we hopped in their car. They gave us a little tour of Boise. We stopped at a kitchen/restaurant store so they could pick up a few things for Juds. Afterwards, we drove to Wes's house to let the dog out. Hung out there for a bit, then headed over to a place called the Village. It reminded me a lot of the Gateway in SLC. stores, food, hangout spots, stuff like that. For lunch, we ended up at a place called Big Al's. It's a restaurant/sports bar/arcade/bowling. It was awesome! While eating lunch we watched the screen that was bigger that a theater screen. 

The picture doesn't do it justice. But that screen was huge. After lunch we walked upstairs and played some arcade games. 4 way air hockey, football and basketball shoot thing. Me and Caleb are champs! ;)

After that we walked to the Nike Outlet, and Pro Image and bought us some shirts for the game that night. After that, we realized it was close to the time we were going to meet for the Boise state game. So we rushed back the hotel just long enough to change into our shirts, freshen up, and then off we went. We rode with Wes again over to Big Juds where we met up with some other people. We grabbed some drinks and then walked over to the stadium where the tailgate party was going on. We had our own private tailgate party hosted by Double R Rance. It's where Big Juds burger is from. So we hung out there for like 3 hours. There was burgers, pulled pork, cookies, drinks, and so much food. I'm pretty sure me, Caleb, and another guy Caleb meets up with for work were the only ones without alcohol. We felt a little awkward just because we clearly aren't partyers. We were offered plenty of it. I didn't care that people where drinking and what not, but its just not what we are used to. After what seemed like forever, it was finally time to go to the stadium for the game to start. We found our seats, and watched the game. Both me and Caleb are not sportsy people so we didn't know how the game works, rules, all that. It was fun, don't get me wrong, but the first half was just confusing. What we thought was fun to watch was the people that take the game SUPER serious. People were cussing left and right, mad at the refs, high fiving their friends, drinking, smoking, party animals...then there is me and Caleb just chillin not knowing a single thing that is goin on during this game. hahaha

There were SO many people there ALL in mainly blue. It was quite the sight! At half time, we headed back out to the tailgate. We talked to our friends to get ideas on how this game works. How the rules go and what not. Don't judge. haha The second half was a lot more fun. Knowing what was going on, and actually understanding the game a little bit made it more fun. Once the game was over, we walked back to Big Juds where Wes's car was. We didn't get back to our hotel till 1 in the morning. It was a lot of fun, but both me and Caleb were quite tired. We had a huge day, walking around everywhere, and exploring the city. We crashed and slept in late.

Sunday we slept in. The check out time was noon. We were debating on staying another day but wasn't sure. We decided to just do what we planned on doing and still go home that day. So we got ready, packed our room up, and checked out of the hotel. We gassed up, and got ice and then headed over to the Boise Aquarium. We both had never been so we didn't know what to expect. It was kinda small but they did have some cool fish. A lot of the fish you could stick your hand in and touch them. We got to one spot where they had stingrays and sharks swimming around. We thought it was the neatest thing! Maybe people think we are crazy but I thought you could only see a stingray on a cruise or something haha. So we watched them and touched them for a little bit. They felt DISCUSTING. I do not like touching slimey things and they were most definitely slimey. I accidentally screamed when I first touched it because it seriously felt sick. Kinda gives me the shivers. They splashed water too. So I had stingray water all over my shirt. haha eh whatevs. 

Then we walked over to see other fish, octopuses and sharks.

Lots of sharks in this water. I had never seen one so close up. Pretty neat! After the aquarium, we shot for home. Again, the car ride was a hoot. More singing, more dancing, hand in hand, or hand on the knee. Was fun! We stopped in Idaho Falls for gas and food. Caleb had never been to Buffalo Wild Wings and I had only been there once so we chose to eat out there. After dinner, we drove to Caleb's parents house where Libbie was. She was so excited to see us. We missed her so much! Me and Caleb bought her a souvenir from the aquarium. Caleb picked it out. haha she loves that rediculous seal. It's kinda creepy though. I will walk down our hallway and it will be staring at me like it is in this picture. hahahaha she loves it though. :) 

It overall was a great trip! We met people and did quite a bit in a short amount of time. Doing anything with Caleb is fun. It was a great little weekend getaway. It was especially nice because we hadn't done any of the stuff we did in the past. So it was our first time at both restaurants, Broncos game, The Village, and shopped where we normally don't. Also, happy anniversary to us. I'm so blessed to share this life with such an amazing man. Life would be so boring without my person by my side. Love you Caleb!

Accidental laughing blurry picture

4 AMAZING years with my Caleb <3

4 year anniversary!

Today is mine and Caleb's 4 year anniversary! I cannot believe it had been that long! It has truly been incredible. I have loved every moment of it. It's the best thing I lucked into. I think the best part is simply sharing life with someone and what life has to offer. The good, the bad, the new adventures, sleeping, traveling, everything. I love it all. In the past 4 years, me and Caleb have: Done school, gotten careers, had 1 pup, lived in 3 different apartments, and owned 3 cars. As for today, we have kept it simple. We got to sleep in together which that alone makes the day amazing, we went grocery shopping, grabbed lunch, watched our two wedding videos, and are now continuing our Harry Potter marathon. We are keeping it simple mainly because we are leaving bright and early in the morning to go to Boise for Caleb's company meetings. So we are kind of including that trip as our anniversary get-a-way. Anyways, happy anniversary Caleb. I love you so so much.

4 years of bliss <3 <3 :)

Maternity shoot

Yesterday, I went with my sister to her baby doctors appointment. I got to chill with her while they did a stress test and also watch her get her ultrasound. Incredible might I add. Afterwards, we went to her apartment and had a girls day. I have missed her since she moved and I don't get to see her 3 times a week anymore. So yesterday was much needed. We had lunch, I gave her a pedicure since she is too far along to bend over to her toes, we decorated a little, and then we did a little maternity shoot. We were going to do them outside but since yesterday was horribly windy we decided to do indoor ones. They turned out so good!

This one is my favorite :) She's beautiful. And this auntie is getting excited for him to come so I can snuggle him right up!