Friday night, I still wasn't feeling good. I took a little nap to pass some time. When I woke up, I was so incredibly nauseous. To the point I ran to the bathroom to go puke. And I don't know if it's just me and what runs in my family? or if all people get this way. But when I get that nauseous, I get weak in my legs and arms as if they are nauseous too, I start sweating, my stomach just churns, and I get so incredibly dizzy. Every time I throw up I end up passing out. So...I don't know if most people are like that or if it's just me. But anyways. It was horrible. I literally had had it. I broke out the water works and just cried. I was physically, emotionally, and mentally just done. Making a baby should not have to be this miserable, straining, emotional and just down right so hard to do. This is no life. Laying in bed day after day, taking time off work, and looking like a homeless person just was not going to be how It was done. I ended up taking Saturday off work as well. I felt so bad, but there was just no way. I couldn't even stand without almost falling over from the dizzyness. I'm sure no one would trust me cutting their hair in that state anyways. Thank goodness I took Saturday off. Because all Friday night and into Saturday, I could not sleep. I just felt awful. I would maybe doze off but then wake back up again thinking I was about to vomit. It was horrible.
After talking to Caleb, I had decided to stop taking the medication. It wasn't easing up whatsoever, and I was supposed to be at my full dose the next day when I was this miserable at half my dose. So I stopped taking the medication on Saturday. And by Sunday, I felt like a new woman. It was seriously crazy. I felt back to myself and I could not have been happier. I was able to work through the week with no problems at all.
Part of me feels SO extremely guilty for stopping the medication. Mainly because, I told myself from the beginning, I will do what it takes, even if that means hard things. I don't want to look back and regret taking it. What if this did the trick? And I just stopped taking it. I want to be able to look back and say that I did everything possible to get that biological child. Yet, part of me feels like, I can't let this infertility rule my life. I can't let it define me. I refuse to lose my job over this. So I am torn on knowing what to do. I have thought about going back on it, but just staying at the lowest dose, because that I could handle from when I took it last time. So I am waiting till I don't have work for a few days in a row to try it out. But if the sickness starts back up, I'm done.
Another trial came about this last week. I was supposed to start up another fertility medication this week so that we could go through with our IUI here in a couple weeks. Well, after doing the math, it just so happens that the few days that the IUI would fall on, we will be in Boise for Caleb's work. UGHHH. I could not be more frustrated right now. We have put this off since November because something always got in the way, whether it was Christmas, changing doctors, new meds, and now a business trip. I had been mentally prepping myself for this and now I took that horrible medication for nothing. I tried to think of every possible way for it to still work out and I just don't think that it's going to happen this month. So. That's that. Another month out. This will make 5 months of being out since seeing our first fertility doctor. No we aren't in a huge rush, but I am ready to get this show on the road. It is what it is. But I swear, I sure feel like God is testing us. I feel like nothing is going right. I'm starting to lose hope again. I need that boost of confidence again with this whole journey. I'm sure if you've been through this journey you know just how exhausting it can be. Month after month. Meds after meds. Hoping each month that maybe a miracle happened just to find out that another month has come and gone.
I dream of a family. I'm tired of random people judging me because I don't have kids. I'm tired of the inconsiderate comments made towards me. I'm tired of feeling a stinging pain in my heart as I listen to mommies to be talk about their pregnancies and babies. I'm ready for my husband to be called daddy and me mommy. I'm ready for my nephews and niece to have cousins that come from us. I'm tired of being the black sheep in our families with everyone passing us by. I want to decorate a nursery, and snuggle a baby in my arms. I want to be a Santa Clause, the Easter bunny, and the tooth fairy. I want to hear pitter patters of footsteps through my home. I want to read stories and watch cartoons. I want to be woken up from our kids someday rather than my annoying alarm clock. I am ready for it all. Even the hard times that comes with children.
I truly feel in my heart that this whole journey has strengthened both me and Caleb. It's opened our eyes to different situations in life. And because of this journey and trial, I know we will be that much better of parents and truly be grateful and cherish moments that others may take for granted. Even the other day, I was in Wal Mart at the checkout lane. I heard this lady literally screaming on the top of her lungs at her maybe 2 year old in the cart. Swearing at him, screaming at him, all while this little boy was sobbing. It caused all of the checkout lanes to kind of go silent. We all kinda looked at each other and just could sense that we all felt so bad for this little boy. Given, I have NO idea what had happened or what, but this mom looked and seemed to be a druggy/gothic like mom. She was wearing a black belly shirt and just looked like she lived a rough life. Like I said, I don't know the circumstances or what had happened, and chances are she's a sweet lady, but when I see moment's like this, that's what makes my heart hurt. Those moment's especially make me angry and question why me? I know that everyone in this world has trials. And I know that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. One day at a time is all we can do.
I am so so sooo grateful for my husband. I know for a lot of couples that when hard things come it tears couples apart, and I can proudly say, that this trial has caused us to lean on each other and make us stronger. I am also grateful for my job and how understanding my boss has been. I'm sure with any other job I would have been gone by now. And lastly, as hard as this trial has been, I am grateful. Simply because it has made me stronger, and has opened my eyes in so many ways.
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