Dear baby girl

Dear baby girl, I have been carrying you for 21 weeks now. And for that I am so grateful! I hope you know how much you mean to me and your dad already. You are growing good and strong and I couldn't be happier about that. We have our big anatomy scan next Monday to make sure you are still growing properly and that everything is measuring good. I'm nervous but definitely excited to see your sweet face on that big screen again. Your dad thinks I'm hilarious with all these random cry episodes your giving me. It's a little embarrassing but I too look back and laugh at them. Crazy hormones. One thing I've definitely noticed this last week is that you have shifted or something because your movement and kicks are seriously RIGHT on my bladder which causes me to seriously almost have accidents all throughout the day. We may have to have a chat about that when you get here ;)  They also feel further towards my back or something. I can't feel you from the outside as much and the kicks and jabs almost make me feel nauseous. But that's ok. I'm still happy knowing your moving, flipping, and kicking inside of me. I feel I have definitely "popped" the last few days. My stomach feels tight and I can feel it stretching and getting bigger which means you are getting bigger too. My app on my phone says you are 3/4 of a pound and about 10.5 inches long. Nights are getting super uncomfortable already and even my comfy sweats seem to not feel too comfy on my belly anymore. I love being able to hold my belly and know your just right there close. I will never get tired of the times your dad comes over and touches my belly, gives a soft belly bump with his, or in the night he'll lean over to hold my belly too. I can't wait for you two to meet. I have been extra clingy to your dad because I know that these are the last months of it just being us two. It's a bit hard for me to wrap my head around but I know that having you here will only make things that much more amazing. Some other big news is that me and your dad have FINALLY picked a name for you. Still working on your middle name, but I have an idea of what it'll be. Your dad is dead set on your first name and it makes me love it that much more. Only 18 weeks and 6 days till your due date. We are getting anxious and SO excited to meet you! Until then we will continue to dream about what you will look like. We love you so much already!

Love, mom

23 years young!

Happy birthday to me! Yesterday. haha. It was a pretty average day. It's hard to have a birthday on Sunday and then the 6 other days a week your husband works so you are kinda limited on what to do. So. It wasn't anything too special. I did get to sleep in with Caleb, have just the day me and him, and then we ended up going to my parents house for dinner that night. My mom likes to have a dinner for each of us kids' birthdays and yesterday we celebrated my birthday, my brother and BIN birthdays that were the day before. It was very simple. I told Caleb to not worry about any gifts this year since we have plenty of baby stuff to get in such a short amount of time. So, kinda stinks, but you gotta do whats practical. We have a doctors appointment next week so while we are down in IF we will go to dinner and that's going to count as my birthday dinner this year, plus that's the ONLY day Caleb has off besides Sundays, and even then, he usually has work related something to do. So, we will use our time wisely! Other than a simple lazy day that ended with me being hormonal (thanks baby girl) with crying then laughing then crying then laughing again, it was a good day. I appreciate all the sweet messages I received. And thanks to my hubby for making me feel special, even on such a simple day. I am grateful for him and for my birthday being on a Sunday so I was able to spend my birthday with him.

Looking back

Last night I was re reading a lot of my old blog posts. I am SO grateful I have this blog and have shared what I have on it. Some people may think I share too many personal things but like I have previously said, this blog is for me. I want to, and am grateful for what I have shared and the personal details and raw emotions I have poured out onto here. I forget about a lot of things that have happened. One thing I am especially grateful that I have blogged about is mine and Caleb's journey with infertility. I know at the time, blogging about it truly was a way of coping and dealing with it. I was reading pretty much all of my old posts about it last night and was in tears because it brought back so many raw emotions of what I felt, what I was going through, my thoughts on everything and life in general. I couldn't help but be reminded of friends that are going through infertility and it saddens me that there are still friends out there that are still struggling. It's just crazy looking back and seeing absolutely NO hope with having a child. I seriously thought I would never get to experience motherhood. I was losing faith, and hope of everything. I was jealous of my friends and my family. I always felt that my heart was just shredded to pieces any time ANYONE announced a pregnancy. Especially family. I remember trying my very hardest to be happy for them and show excitement but in all honesty, I would usually end up at home after they had announced and would end up having a cry session. I couldn't help but be angry and jealous every. single. time. I remember praying hard for peace and comfort when it came to people announcing it because I WANTED to be happy for them. Just because I had this trial in my life didn't mean I wanted to be mad, jealous, or angry at someone else. Looking back now, I probably should apologize to some people for being so emotional or cold hearted toward them when they announced it and throughout their pregnancies, or for not showing up to baby showers, or saying no to plenty of people that would ask me to babysit. I didn't mean to hurt people or make them feel that their pregnancy or families wasn't important. I don't know, I just wish I would have been able to handle the situations better and looked more at their point of view rather than me being self centered and only caring about my feelings. I guess there's really nothing I can do to change the past except be sorry about it, and be more happy, and willing to help out now.

Being half way along today (20 weeks) I can't help but feel just so blessed and grateful for this baby girl. I can't believe I am here in these shoes today. I can't believe every baby item I purchase is actually for mine and Caleb's daughter soon. MINE and CALEB'S. I remember browsing baby sections with a sting in my heart wishing so badly I could enjoy any one of those baby items. And now, I get that opportunity and every time I buy ANYTHING, I think, "I seriously thought I'd never get this opportunity. I can't believe I'm buying this for OUR baby".  I thank my Heavenly Father daily for this precious gift. I am grateful he is trusting us to be this baby girls parents. Even through the tough times of pregnancy, which, there are plently I feel like, I still am just so grateful.

Onto a pregnancy update.
Baby girl is the size of a banana this week and is 6.5 inches long from head to rump and 10 inches from head to heel! She weighs approximately 10.5 oz which means she is getting pretty big! Still tiny, but it's nice to actually think that there's a little baby in there that's bigger than small pieces of fruit. haha Really, nothing has changed since last week except for the fact I woke up at 5:30 this morning to eat a bowl of frosted flakes. I was starving. I'm still not feeling great, still have heart burn/ acid reflux, sciatica, all that jazz. I do want to say that I am feeling this baby girl quite a bit anymore and I stinkin LOVE it! Mornings are when I don't really feel her. But during the day and at night if I'm just sitting or lying down she usually starts going crazy in there. The other night I was trying to fall asleep but I couldn't because she was moving for probably a half an hour straight. That was the longest I've felt movement at one time. Normally it's just for a  minute or two. But these past few days especially it's like a lot of movement with a random hard kick every now and then. I felt her again from the outside a couple times which was exciting. I am excited when Caleb can feel her. I don't think it will be much longer. Hopefully this week! We shall see!

20 week baby bump! Definitely getting more plump and round!

As for other news this week, Caleb is just working hard, as usual, I have been helping tend my nephew some, and have hanging out with a lot of family. I have been trying to take it easy this week and not do so much and I think that it's helping some with how I have been feeling. It doesn't take much for me to overdo it and get sick from it, so, lazy days, with some cleaning and errands in the middle of it all is how this week has been going. 

Libbie has been good too. She is so funny. I was laying on our futon watching a show when I look over and see Libbie working her way under the pillow so she is covered. It was hilarious! She loves to be snuggled up warm pretty much all the time. 

That's it for this weeks update. Until next time!

19 Weeks Pregnant

I am 19 weeks pregnant today! 1 week and I am officially half way there. It's flying by! Baby girl is about 6 inches long and almost 9 oz. About a half a pound and the size of a dollar bill head to rump. She's growing big! I love it! I can feel more movement especially when I'm sitting. It's like she's being a little squished or something. Last night I felt for the first time a kick from the outside! That was super exciting! I was waiting till the moment I could feel her from the outside so that was fun. I can't wait till Caleb can feel her.

I have not really been feeling all that great for a while now. Really, it's never left since I became pregnant. It's like I'll have a good day every 3 to 4 days or something random. But for the majority of the time, I still just feel blah. I still have moments where I think I'm going to throw up so I run to the toilet just to find that the puke urge kinda went away for the time being. I for sure still don't feel good at night. I know that when I just do not feel well that it is time to just sleep it off. I still sleep for roughly 10 hours a night. Sometimes more, sometimes less. It's the only thing that really takes the edge off of me not feeling well.

I still have food aversions and have a hard time eating most things. I have yet to have any real cravings. If there's something that sounds good to eat, I will try to eat it just so I know I am getting something in my belly. I for a while was on a cereal kick. That has gone away and now I have really been enjoying french toast for breakfast. Today I woke up and randomly kinda wanted eggs and toast which is so weird because like I said in an earlier post, since being pregnant I have completely hated toast and have not been loving eggs at all like I used too. So I figured, eh, we will try it and see. I ate a piece of toast with an egg and it tasted alright! We will see if that lasts. So weird and annoying. haha

I have definitely noticed more emotions/ hormones coming out. This last week especially It's like they all just hit me. I'm weepy a lot for no reason and I can just feel my body building up all these hormones to eventually burst into a full out cry session. All for no reason or something that's just small that I wouldn't normally think twice about. Again, usually I just sleep it off and I'm completely fine the next day. I haven't really had this happen to me till now. Poor Caleb :/ He's a freaking rock star. And looking back on my weepy moments I actually kinda laugh because it's pathetic the reasons I find myself being a bit weepy or emotional.

Another thing that's getting worse is my skin! I am breaking out like I'm in Jr. High again. I am using prescribed acne medication (yes it's safe to use while pregnant) and I am still breaking out. The old wives tale of if your pregnant with a girl she will steal your beauty is DEFINITELY true in this case. My skin is as dry as the desert, and I have a face full of acne. It's lovely.

Acid reflux/ heartburn. Ugh! Every day and especially at night. I honestly can't quite tell what it is but it's bad enough sometimes it makes me want to throw up. Not fun.

Sleep is a great thing for me, but I really haven't been able to sleep well since being pregnant. I stir a lot in the night, and, I constantly have such VIVID dreams. I honestly hate it! I have had some scary dreams, awful dreams, and good dreams. One dream that literally left me waking up to me screaming on the top of my lungs and Caleb freaking out because I was screaming. I'm not a fan. They cause me to wake up in the night too. I miss not remembering my dreams haha.

I am still having sciatic nerve pain and my hips I notice are starting to just be sore, especially after sitting. Takes a minute after I get up to kinda loosen them up.

I ordered us a crib and I found myself the cutest diaper bag on the planet, and those both came yesterday! So that's super exciting! I can't wait till we have a room to start setting things up.

All in all I am getting SO excited to meet this sweet girl! I definitely have all the emotions of a baby coming. Excitement, nervous, freaking out, then excited again. It's been fun to talk to Caleb about it and see him getting more and more excited. We still don't have a name. Not sure if we'll announce it before she's here or not. That is, if we can even think of one we like. We're workin on it. It's hard! I'd say my best moment this week was being able to feel her little movements and then being able to feel her that one time from the outside.

4th of July

This years 4th of July I was honestly somewhat dreading. Sad and selfish, I know. But I have not been able to enjoy this holiday with my husband for 5 years now. It's one of my favorite holidays and I always just feel like I am the third wheel when I tag along with whatever is going on. So, that along with some random pregnancy wacko hormones (I've only had like 2 hormonal episodes) this year was not the best mix. The night before the 4th, I was just kind of a hormonal mess. I was seriously bummed that I couldn't spend the day with Caleb. That's really all I wanted. Plus, the 4th of July is our engagement anniversary. It was 5 years since me and Caleb got engaged. To me, that's a great excuse to celebrate. I always feel like Caleb is working on the important days and then in the past, I've always worked or something too and our schedules always clashed. So this year, I was just going to tag along with my family. I woke up on the 4th, Caleb was long gone to work, so it was just me all morning and into the afternoon. I tried my very hardest to make the best of the day that I could. I made myself breakfast while I listened to ALL the people and planes flying by outside. We live a half a block away from the park where the parade is going on, so my whole street is packed with cars and people. I hung out, took my time getting ready, then headed to Caleb's work to drop him off a drink and say hi before I went to my parents house. While Caleb was working away, my family had a bbq, a water fight, and just hung out. I'm not going to lie, I love my family and I'm grateful they are close, but I couldn't help but feel like the 3rd wheel since everyone was out with their spouses riding the motorcycles, playing with their kids, and what not. My two younger siblings, the two that aren't married were with friends too. So it was just me, my older brother and his wife and their two kids, my younger sister and her husband and son, then my parents I spent most of my day in the house with my mom, attempting to help make food for the bbq, and cleaning up doing dishes and what not. It was fine, and I'm grateful I wasn't stuck at home doing nothing, but, just missed Caleb, A LOT! I didn't even get any pictures because, well, I didn't have anything to take and I wasn't just going to take a bunch of selfies of me cutting up fruits, sitting on the couch, and doing dishes.

The official day we got engaged 5 years ago! That was the best 4th of July I have EVER had.

My mom sent me this picture of us with my niece Emma. The CUTEST little doll on this planet.

I really hadn't felt great lately either so I was ready to go home later that evening/night. Caleb had gotten home not too much earlier than I. We both decided to skip out on fireworks this year. Nights are rough for me, and Caleb was wiped from working in the heat all stinkin day. So we hung out inside and I honestly went to bed fairly early. I could hear fireworks going off I swear all night long and was bummed I didn't see any but what I saw from my drive home from my parents. It's all ok. There's always next year. I think I say that every year on the 4th because every one for the last 4 years has been kind of a flop for whatever reason. I'm trying to not be so selfish because I know that there are plenty of people out there that don't even get to see their spouse on any holiday, so I am still grateful, but I would be lying if I said I had the best day ever. I wish we had schedules so that we could enjoy every holiday together or enjoy a weekend out camping without him having to do work related SOMETHING. But, I know it's what we have to do, so I will make the best of it and cherish the moments I DO have with him.

As for other news, my hair....UGH my hair!!!! Long story short, I have done I think 9 processes on it in the last month and a half. I should have NEVER tried to change it from blonde to something so drastic. I now know to NEVER do that again. I'm on my own with my hair. So I have been doing all these processes on it myself. I FINALLY got back close to my natural color which was what I wanted so I can slowly put some blonde back in. I don't think I will go back as blonde as I was, but I definitely wanted lighter than what I've had for the last month ish. Here's a couple awkward selfies.

Before this I was blonde, then brown, then red, then orange from a color correction, then copper, then dark brown which then faded to this brown, then I added those few streaks of blonde in the front. I wasn't loving the dark brown on me. So, on Sunday, our internet was down and I decided I would do a color correction on myself...

Which led me here. This was just right after the color correction. I knew it'd leave me orange and I knew I'd have to put a color over top. I was GOING for close to my natural color. But for whatever reason, my hair did not take at all and went straight yellow. I still do not know why. I'm blaming my pregnancy hormones because that is a legit thing that can happen because I did everything I was supposed to and formulated my color correctly too. So, after dealing with seriously straight up yellow hair for a day, Monday morning I woke up and put a shade darker on my hair...

Which now leaves us to here. It's as good as we are going to get for now. It's pretty close to my natural which was what I was going for 2 processes before. My hair still feels pretty great considering what I've put it through in the last month. I actually don't mind this color and I feel it goes best with my skin tone. After taking a little hair break, I think I will go through and add a few highlight to brighten it just a little more. But as far as COLOR goes, I am done. I'll stick to highlights. haha What a freaking mess. 

And other news, Libbie is just too cute. 

Just look at her. I love when she has her little tongue sticking out. She's so obnoxious, yet so fun and lovable. 

I babysat my niece and nephew the other night while their parents went to a movie. I love their kiddos SO stinkin much! I seriously wish this little boy was mine. Such a sweet boy.

And yesterday I went out to my mom's to help her tend my sister's little boy.

He had just woken from his nap and was being super snuggly. He just kept laying his squishy cheek on either my shoulder or my cheek, and my mom had captured the moment. Makes me heart melt when babies do that!

That's all as far as updates! I'll do my pregnancy update tomorrow since those are always such long posts ;)