He is my break

Life isn't always sunshine and daisies, and this post is what our life is like right now. Sorry it's not a peachy post, but it's realistic of our life at the moment. A couple days ago, I really wasn't having the best of days. It seemed like everything that could go wrong, was. Everything from house hunting, a broken water heater for the 3rd time that leaves us with zero hot water, back aches, stomach aches, baby stuff, and just little things that aren't a big deal, but seem like a big deal at the time. I was especially angry at this whole infertility journey. Surprised? Its really an every day ordeal so It's not easy to constantly be positive about it when really truly it's so hard. One of the hardest things I personally have ever gone through. I had kind of hit another breaking point. Long story short, I was talking to Caleb and telling him that this week I'd be starting up another medication. Then the more I thought about this whole treatment plan, the more I was nervous It wasn't going to work. Caleb quit taking his meds because they made him hover over a barf bucket every. single. night. I don't blame him at all for quitting them. I haven't been taking the full dose of one of my meds either because I was living in the bathroom all day long and not working because it was so awful. Do you blame us? So the more I thought about it, I was scared that I would start up this new medication, get our positive ovulation test, go to the doctor for our IUI just to have them tell us they won't do it because we aren't taking exactly what the doctor ordered. After being nervous about it all morning I ended up calling my doctor and told them what was going on and asked if we could still go through with this months IUI, We've had something in the way every month since last November whether it was switching doctors, new meds, being out of town/funeral, so we were anxious to get this going. They called back and told us it was a no go because we weren't taking what he had prescribed. I started crying on the phone with them because I was just so mad. I understood why, but I was more mad at myself. Mad that we couldn't suck it up to go through with the IUI. I had a cloud of guilt hovering over my head. Now what? I asked them if there were alternatives to these medications that were prescribed to us so that we wouldn't be so sick. They said no. I had to make another appointment with the doctor to re route our treatments. If there is no alternative medications, then what? That moment that day I really deep down wondered if I would ever in my life have a biological baby. It scared me and made me think of adoption a little more. But that scared me more. I'm not ready to get to that point yet. I then started thinking about what the doctor said this last appointment. He told us if these IUI's don't work, our last chance would be to head to Utah and do IVF. That scares me. That's our last hope of having a child. Are we even meant to be parents? What are we doing so wrong to not have it happen to us? We can't just quit our jobs so we can both lay in bed and either puke or live in the bathroom day after day. How far do we push ourselves? When do we say enough is enough? Is this God's way of telling us there are children out there that need us as parents? I don't know. I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know what to do. I have prayed for guidance, and I still have NO idea what we are supposed to do. After getting off the phone, I told Caleb what had to happen and that our next appointment was in 3 weeks and that we had to pay another $100 to see them. Which means for us another 2 months of potential pregnancy out. That to me was depressing. Another two months and another $100 gone. Why!? haha I was just SO angry! In a way I feel as hard as IVF would be and as expensive as it would be, it would almost be easier and worth it because your chances go up by quite a bit with that. But it all comes back to the I have no idea what we are supposed to do so it's all up in the air. I basically had a pity party for myself that day. It was a day I didn't want to act like I was fine with this infertility. It was winning, and I was mad. I soaked in the tub to one of my bath bombs, listened to music, then went to get a milkshake. Those are my go to's for bad days. Baths, music, ice cream, Libbie, and Caleb make a bad/emotional day a little better.

The next day, I was at work. I was highlighting my clients hair when a guy delivers a bouquet of flowers. They were for me! I was so surprised. I never get flowers so I was curious who they were from. I opened the card and there was a sweet simple note from my mom. :) She made my whole day. That was so thoughtful of her. 

They stayed pretty by my station for the rest of the day and now they are on my table at my apt. I am so thankful for such a great mom!

Later at work, my boss asked me how the baby stuff was coming along. I deep down didn't want to talk about it so I told her that it was still just going. I briefly told her that things haven't been going as planned and I just can't seem to catch a break with anything right now. She said something to me that actually opened my eyes and made me realize she is very right. She told me, "I have seen you and your hubby together and I see how you guys adore each other. He is your break." She's right. If it weren't for Caleb, I would be drowning. He is my breath of fresh air, the one that stays positive and keeps me going, he IS my break. I look back and he is the one that makes life fun even during the hard moments. He's the one I want to go to, to talk to, to be with during the hard or good times. Even though life isn't exactly going as planned and that it's not all sunshine and daisies, I know I am still blessed, and I am still very grateful for what I do have. I know something will work out eventually, even if it's years and years down the road. I am trying to stay hopeful and as positive as I can. For now I will enjoy the moment's it's just me and Caleb. We will continue to do anything and everything we can that involves just us. 

Sunshine and walks with my pup,

Post bath time = one hyyyyper animal.

He is my break. 

Grandpa

Last Friday (3/6/15) we got word that my grandpa had passed away. It was very bittersweet. We knew that it was coming at any time but it still doesn't make it any easier knowing that they're gone. He had been suffering from Cancer (surprised? more cancer, I know. We have it super thick in my family.) and had gotten especially sick the last 6 months or so. Honestly, we thought he would have been gone a couple months ago, but he just kept trucking on.

It seems like when a loved one passes, you start remembering all of the good memories that involved that person. So after he had passed, it was like I all of a sudden remembered a whole bunch of memories. Here's a few...

I would get so excited knowing that we were going to go stay with them for a night or two. That meant cousin time, lots of hot tub time, and mini smokies.

First thing walking into their home we were greeted by my grandpa every time with a great big bear hug.

He was such a hoot. He was so witty and always had something quick and witty to say.

I remember quite a few breakfasts he would make. Egg n dog is what he called one of them. Basically hot dogs in scrambled eggs. Or toast and eggs.

Speaking of hot dogs, this man LOVED hot dogs. Hot, cold, roasted, you name it. It was his go to.

My grandparents had a hot tub and we always had to wait till grandpa got home so he could lift the huge heavy lid.

His home. Simply being there in his home watchin a show with everyone.

Lots of camping trips that he and grandma came to.

Him telling us his story of B.B.O.O bear. That was a story that stayed with my family and throughout my childhood.

Him and grandma coming to our house to stay.

His bus. He had bought a bus that was handicap accessible so that they could get my grandma in a vehicle. He once took us on a bus ride on this random bumpy dirt rode. It must have struck our funny bones because we were all laughing.

Riding in a car with him was terrifying to say the least hahaha we'll just leave it at that.

Visiting him in Boise while Caleb was at work meetings.

I have more but those are some that stick out in my mind. Really truly, most of my memories involve family and get togethers at his home where we all interacted with each other.

Yesterday (3/13/15) was his viewing in Boise where he had lived for the past 5 years I believe. Then today was his funeral down In Carey where he lived his whole life prior to moving to Boise. This morning me and Caleb got up super early as in 5 a.m. got ready, headed out to pick up my brother and sister, then headed to Idaho Falls to pick up my other brother and his wife and son.

beautiful early morning sunrise.

We got there right close to 10 a.m. Perfect time. The viewing was pretty standard. I couldn't believe how different my grandpa looked. SOO skinny, and just so different than just months before when I had seen him. After the viewing we headed into the chapel for the funeral. It couldn't have gone better. There was so much support and the talks were awesome. Listening to them made me want to be more like my grandpa. He never judged a soul and was the most selfless man I know. Laughter and tears filled the room. The spirit was strong in that chapel. There is such a bittersweet yet humbling feeling at funerals. After the funeral we headed over to the cemetery. It was a beautiful day.

Then afterwards went to the lunch back at the church. Thank goodness, we were all dizzy and feeling a bit sick since it had been so long since we had eaten where the funeral was scheduled later than normal and ran longer than normal. The food was great and it was nice to see all of the cousins together again. Probably the last time that had happened was at my grandmas funeral 5 years ago. Everyone has changed SO much and has gotten SO much older and has families of their own. It's crazy to think that none of us would be here if it weren't for my grandpa.

Even though we are sad that my grandpa is now gone, I can't help but smile that he is with his sweet wife again. I am sure the reunion was amazing.

I'm glad he is no longer in pain and suffering. I am also so grateful for the plan of salvation so that we can see him again and that families are forever. I love you grandpa and will surely miss you. RIP.

Boise trip

Every 6 ish months, Caleb and I head to Boise for his meetings for work. I would be lying if I said I was always SO excited to go mainly cause half the time I am by myself down there. But the parts I do enjoy are the moments I am with him, and to take a little break from life and work and to get out of the house.

Sunday we took our time to get on the road. There was no rush to get down there. So after gassing up, we dropped off Libbie at Caleb's parents house and we hit the road.

4 hrs later and we arrive to Boise, We checked into our hotel and really didn't have anything else planned for that night. So we decided to go to a place we had never eaten. We ended up at The Village and ate at a place called Yard house. It was PRICEY but tasted really good. Caleb tried raw Tuna which totally grossed me out but he liked it. They had the biggest bar inside a restaurant I have ever seen. Our meal was 80 bucks! Cringe. But, what the heck. Why not? After dinner, we walked around a bit. I LOVED the fountains they had and fireplaces all around. Way cool.

After walking around it was like 9:30. We really didn't have anything else to do so we headed back to the hotel. I love hotels with Caleb. They are just fun! We fell asleep and after a long night of not sleeping well (the pillows were awful and it simply wasn't my bed) it was finally morning.

Monday early morning, Caleb met up with his work partner or whatever you want to call him to head to a convention thing. After that, they headed to the Big Juds down there for a meeting. All while he was gone, I was just at the hotel by myself. So I took my time getting ready, watched tv, and then decided to go on a little drive to see the place. It wasn't a long drive mainly cause I hate traffic and trying to navigate by myself just got me annoyed so I came back to the hotel. haha I did find the mall though :) Caleb got back at around 4. We ate the food I brought there at the hotel and then met back up with the other couple that was staying at the same hotel. We drove to the Big Juds because Caleb and his partner Wes were filmed eating a burger for a commercial or small clip to be put on this website and they both got paid 50 bucks for it! haha it alllmost paid for our expensive dinner the night before. lol After that ordeal, we rode with Wes and his fiance' to an ice hockey game! All of the Big Juds crew was there. They had paid for us all to be in one of their suites. So we had our own room where you could order any drink or food you wanted and watch the game. It was seriously way fun. 

They film people during the break so our faces ended up on that screen once. haha and also there was a clip where they were filming this girl and she was dancing on the screen. She turned around and totally fell 2 bleachers down backwards all while the camera was on her. It was sad yet hilarious. 

Our team lost by one point in overtime. But it was a lot of fun to watch! After the game, Wes invited me and Caleb to play pool with his fiance and friend before we went back to the hotel. Us being naive said sure. So us 5 ended up at this bar....uhm....me and Caleb both were like...uh, this isn't what we expected but they were our ride. So we went in. Obviously we didn't drink. We don't do that. It was definitely a situation that was weird and slightly uncomfortable. We ended up chatting while 2 drank. It was kind of just a weird night. Made me miss home and also made me grateful for how we are. After that bar they wanted to go to another bar for their wings or something. Me and Caleb opted to be dropped off at the hotel before they went over which we were happy with. Me and Caleb know that in the "real world" if that's what you want to call it, that people drink and that this is what people do. But I am grateful that I don't have to deal with a drunk spouse every weekend. I don't even get why...It's funny to watch but the root of drinking is crazy to me. Anyways, once we got back to our hotel, we crashed. It was late and we were tired. 

Tuesday, we woke up and had to be checked out of our hotel at 11. We were late checking out by an hour..woops! After checking out, we had another hotel we were staying at that night but couldn't check in till 3. So we had a few hours to kill. So we headed back to The Village and actually scoped out the place. Before we had only gone to dinner and saw the place but this time we wanted to go through some of the shops. I noticed there was a Charming Charlie there and died! I was SO excited to go through it. I had heard of it but never been in one. So I browsed the whole store and ended up with a new purse, wallet, and watch. All which I LOVE. I now know where to get my purses from. They had some cute accessories in there!

The walled looks navy blue on the sides but it's actually black. And it matches the inside of my purse. After Charming Charlie I saw a Lush. Had never been in these stores before! Caleb is a trooper. haha. We kind of just browsed some of the stores in there and then decided to grab some lunch before checking into this 2nd hotel. We chose to grab some Chipotle. It was a place we had never tried and we both liked it! I thought it was good. Simple and tasty. After lunch, we went and found our hotel. It was a mess getting there. Traffic was thick and it was in the middle of down town Boise where all the one way streets were. We finally found it, finally got parked in their messed up parking garage, checked in, and got to our room. A little side note, Caleb's job and the people that bring us down here pay for everything. So they pick our hotel and pay for it and what not. So this hotel was supposedly a super nice one. Vallet parking, people wearing suits and white gloves, someone playing the grand piano in the huge lobby. kind of hotel. Nothing we have ever experienced. To be honest, the hotel kind of freaked me out. It reminded me of the tower of terror hotel at Disneyland. haha. Our room was the 12th floor up. I personally didn't see what was so fancy about it?? I don't know. This was our view.

Pictures never do it justice, but it was pretty cool! We hung out at the hotel for like an hour and a half. Then we left to meet up with some people at a Japanese steakhouse restaurant called, Kyoto's, It was way fun! They have your table seated around a grill and the chef comes out, does some tricks while he cooks your food right in front of you. There was fire, cool spatula tricks, egg cracking, he'd flip a piece of shrimp from the grill into your mouth, and just kind of a fun show to watch while he cooks your dinner. 

(this isn't our group. I just found a pic on Google so you could actually see since the only picture I took wasn't a good one)

I personally do not like Japanese food at all. I'm not into sea food, shrimp, sushi, any of that. But I did enjoy my dinner here. Caleb loves this kind of food and wanted to go all out. He tried a couple different kinds of sushi that had eel in it. (SICK!) and then helped eat my plate. I wish every restaurant had your food cooked in front of you because that was a lot of fun! After dinner, we headed back to the hotel for the night. 

Wednesday morning I woke up to Caleb getting ready for his last convention. 

Just lookin at the view before he left. After he left I got ready and packed up the hotel because we had to be out by 11 again....and again, I was a half hour late checking out..woops again! After lugging all our crap down 12 stories and another lever down to the garage twice, I checked out and headed to the mall while Caleb was still at his convention. I was basically just killing time. Everything was packed, I was just now waiting for Caleb. So I get to the mall and browse some stores that I have never been into. While I was there I saw a Sephora and about died! I have been watching a ton of beauty/makeup gurus on you tube and they all talk about their makeup and that it comes from Sephora. I was in heaven! I could have spent all day in there. I LOVE makeup and seeing the nice stuff that I watch all the time on you tube was way too much fun for me. I'm glad Caleb wasn't with me in this store because I know I would have bored him to death. I was able to take my time and look at everything. I knew there was at least one product I wanted to get from there. And I found it!

Ta da! I was stoked. I have HATED my eyebrows my whole life and have tried different products to get them to look decent and haven't loved ANY of them. I have wanted to get them tattoo'd on for so long now, but today I tried this Anastasia Beverly Hills Brow Wiz and am amazed. Best product I've ever used on my eyebrows. It's a pricey penny but I will never go back to my old stuff. Thank you Sephora! I'm pleased. After the mall, I was STARVING as I had not eaten yet. I headed to Subway and ate a sandwich there, then afterwards headed to Shopko. I knew Caleb was just about finished so I was just killing time. While I was in Shopko, Caleb called and said he was done. He met me there at the store. We gassed up the car, grabbed some drinks, changed into sweats, and headed for home. The car rides with Caleb are maybe my favorite. There's nothing to do but talk, sing to music, dance to music, hold hands, laugh, and just sit with each other. So the car rides are a definite hoot! We picked up Libbie and got home around 8. Ahhhh. Home sweet home. There's nothing better. Your own home, own bed, bathroom, food, comfort of home! It was a good trip. We will be back there in 6 months!