The Niederer's: He is my break

Life isn't always sunshine and daisies, and this post is what our life is like right now. Sorry it's not a peachy post, but it's realistic of our life at the moment. A couple days ago, I really wasn't having the best of days. It seemed like everything that could go wrong, was. Everything from house hunting, a broken water heater for the 3rd time that leaves us with zero hot water, back aches, stomach aches, baby stuff, and just little things that aren't a big deal, but seem like a big deal at the time. I was especially angry at this whole infertility journey. Surprised? Its really an every day ordeal so It's not easy to constantly be positive about it when really truly it's so hard. One of the hardest things I personally have ever gone through. I had kind of hit another breaking point. Long story short, I was talking to Caleb and telling him that this week I'd be starting up another medication. Then the more I thought about this whole treatment plan, the more I was nervous It wasn't going to work. Caleb quit taking his meds because they made him hover over a barf bucket every. single. night. I don't blame him at all for quitting them. I haven't been taking the full dose of one of my meds either because I was living in the bathroom all day long and not working because it was so awful. Do you blame us? So the more I thought about it, I was scared that I would start up this new medication, get our positive ovulation test, go to the doctor for our IUI just to have them tell us they won't do it because we aren't taking exactly what the doctor ordered. After being nervous about it all morning I ended up calling my doctor and told them what was going on and asked if we could still go through with this months IUI, We've had something in the way every month since last November whether it was switching doctors, new meds, being out of town/funeral, so we were anxious to get this going. They called back and told us it was a no go because we weren't taking what he had prescribed. I started crying on the phone with them because I was just so mad. I understood why, but I was more mad at myself. Mad that we couldn't suck it up to go through with the IUI. I had a cloud of guilt hovering over my head. Now what? I asked them if there were alternatives to these medications that were prescribed to us so that we wouldn't be so sick. They said no. I had to make another appointment with the doctor to re route our treatments. If there is no alternative medications, then what? That moment that day I really deep down wondered if I would ever in my life have a biological baby. It scared me and made me think of adoption a little more. But that scared me more. I'm not ready to get to that point yet. I then started thinking about what the doctor said this last appointment. He told us if these IUI's don't work, our last chance would be to head to Utah and do IVF. That scares me. That's our last hope of having a child. Are we even meant to be parents? What are we doing so wrong to not have it happen to us? We can't just quit our jobs so we can both lay in bed and either puke or live in the bathroom day after day. How far do we push ourselves? When do we say enough is enough? Is this God's way of telling us there are children out there that need us as parents? I don't know. I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know what to do. I have prayed for guidance, and I still have NO idea what we are supposed to do. After getting off the phone, I told Caleb what had to happen and that our next appointment was in 3 weeks and that we had to pay another $100 to see them. Which means for us another 2 months of potential pregnancy out. That to me was depressing. Another two months and another $100 gone. Why!? haha I was just SO angry! In a way I feel as hard as IVF would be and as expensive as it would be, it would almost be easier and worth it because your chances go up by quite a bit with that. But it all comes back to the I have no idea what we are supposed to do so it's all up in the air. I basically had a pity party for myself that day. It was a day I didn't want to act like I was fine with this infertility. It was winning, and I was mad. I soaked in the tub to one of my bath bombs, listened to music, then went to get a milkshake. Those are my go to's for bad days. Baths, music, ice cream, Libbie, and Caleb make a bad/emotional day a little better.

The next day, I was at work. I was highlighting my clients hair when a guy delivers a bouquet of flowers. They were for me! I was so surprised. I never get flowers so I was curious who they were from. I opened the card and there was a sweet simple note from my mom. :) She made my whole day. That was so thoughtful of her.

They stayed pretty by my station for the rest of the day and now they are on my table at my apt. I am so thankful for such a great mom!

Later at work, my boss asked me how the baby stuff was coming along. I deep down didn't want to talk about it so I told her that it was still just going. I briefly told her that things haven't been going as planned and I just can't seem to catch a break with anything right now. She said something to me that actually opened my eyes and made me realize she is very right. She told me, "I have seen you and your hubby together and I see how you guys adore each other. He is your break." She's right. If it weren't for Caleb, I would be drowning. He is my breath of fresh air, the one that stays positive and keeps me going, he IS my break. I look back and he is the one that makes life fun even during the hard moments. He's the one I want to go to, to talk to, to be with during the hard or good times. Even though life isn't exactly going as planned and that it's not all sunshine and daisies, I know I am still blessed, and I am still very grateful for what I do have. I know something will work out eventually, even if it's years and years down the road. I am trying to stay hopeful and as positive as I can. For now I will enjoy the moment's it's just me and Caleb. We will continue to do anything and everything we can that involves just us.