A personal post about a million things

A million things have been running through my mind and I simply need to get it off my chest. This post is a bit more personal for me. Let's talk baby making....not actual making...but ya know...getting pregnant. I have mentioned a little bit in previous posts about us not being able to get pregnant. And yes, as of today, that is still the case. I have had a super hard time with it all. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. I have had so many people, family, cousins, friends, random clients from work even ask the golden question.."when are you going to have a baby?" I have been asked PLENTY others but this seems to be the one that's most often asked. I know people are simply curious, but at the same time, don't people know that that question is kind of private? Unless you KNOW me, I find it kind of weird your asking. I have told so many people a little lie or something to quickly change the subject because I feel uncomfortable having to explain to random people why we don't have any babies. I have been feeling bottled up, not sure who to talk to about such a private ordeal. So, here I am on my blog, venting to the world about why we don't have any babies.

Let's go way back. I have had health issues dealing with my periods from day one. It never crossed my mind that when we actually wanted to start a family, that it would create problems. When I was engaged to Caleb, I remember talking about families and how we both wanted one some day. I wanted one sooner than later simply because I have been baby hungry since I was 2. haha no seriously. I have always loved babies. Caleb on the other hand wanted to wait for at least 2 to 3 years. Once we got married, we talked about it. I was ready from day one. I knew I was young, and I knew we weren't really stable as far as a home, money, careers, but I knew that if it happened, I would be the best mom ever. Caleb on the other hand was not ready whatsoever. And that's ok. I'm not going to force something SO large on someone. So, I waited. One year, then two. Almost 3 years married was when I was at the start of all my health stuff. I was diagnosed with Endometriosis and was also dealing with cysts. Around 3 years married, we came to an agreement that we would start trying. Caleb was still a little weary of it, but we knew it was our best shot because of the health issues I was going though. So we tried..and tried..and tried. About 4 months in of trying, I had surgery. Main reason, was for period pain. Second reason, was to help get us pregnant. Even those 4 months of trying were hard! I think the reason it seemed so hard for me was simply because I had already waited over 3 years to try to get pregnant. I already felt infertile before we even started trying. After surgery, I was determined it would cure what it was supposed to and that we would get pregnant in a couple of months. And yep, you guessed it...still not pregnant, and still in loads of pain. Here we are at a year of trying. My next doctors appointment will be the fertility process.

I have had such a hard time with all of this. My main frustrations are these: I have HORRIBLE monthly periods that leave me blacking out. It's a constant reminder of what my body isn't capable of doing. I want to be a mom more than anything on this planet. There were two things I wanted out of this life. They were to become a wife, and then a mom. I'm grateful I have achieved one of them. I'm tired of the inconsiderate comments. Comments like "just adopt" or "you're young and have time". "Stop trying, and then it will happen." Those are just a few. The comments I have heard leave me in disbelief sometimes. What people don't seem to get is this. Starting a family is between me, my husband, and our Heavenly Father. It's no one else's business. I don't care if you think I am too young, not stable enough, or whatever else. Trust me, I have thought and prayed LONG and hard about this. And I KNOW we are doing the right thing. Other things that leave me frustrated are: social media and my jealousy. I have a love hate relationship with Instagram and Facebook. I got onto Facebook one day and counted 17 posts all about their new baby, or children related something. Although I am SO happy for them, I can't help but feel empty from it. It leaves me questioning everything. Why me? Why does this 16 year old get to have sex one freakin time and get pregnant and then us try and try and try and still have no luck. It didn't seem fair. Another frustration is money. Although we are doing really well with money, it's hard to not get frustrated knowing what we have spent and are going to spend to hopefully get pregnant. So many doctors appointments, blood draws, a surgery, ultrasounds. I often get extremely jealous when people get pregnant within the first three months of trying. Again, I am so happy for them, but it leaves me angry. I can't help but be jealous of family or friends that is pregnant and have families. And to be honest, I think one of the cruelest ones, is having an extremely vivid dream where I am a mom. I have had SO many dreams where I have this perfect, sweet innocent baby. I wake up and I'm angry because I know it was just a dream. Those are some of my main frustrations.

Here is the good I have gotten out of being infertile. I have gotten more time to spend with just my husband. We have been able to do a lot more things than a lot of young families get to do. I have been able to sleep. Sounds silly, but I will forever be grateful for a good nights sleep. I think even when a baby comes, this will be one of the hardest things I will have to deal with. We have been able to be more financially stable and have fun with money. We both have pretty much gotten our careers. I personally have become a little more patient. I'm still working on that one, but overall, it has helped in that area. I have been able to be more considerate of others and what they are going through. I have been able to work, watch any show or movie I want, go on midnight McDonald's runs with Caleb, grocery shop at night, stay up late, and have fun with my spouse. It has made me and Caleb closer. And I have also felt closer to God. I have put more trust in him. Although it has been hard sometimes, I truly feel closer to him.

I know I have had many venting sessions to my family and especially my sister. Thank you. Thanks for listening, the uplifting messages, texts, articles, support and prayers.

I know some people reading this may just be starting the TTC process, or fertility process, or
even years of infertility. My heart goes out to you. May we all come together in hard, frustrating, and even good times. Here's to staying positive that we will be blessed with 10 tiny fingers and toes soon. :)